I’m sitting on my back porch, reflecting on my two sons, Adam and Noah. Adam is seven, while Noah just turned four. Moments ago, the boys squeezed onto a tiny sit-and-spin, spinning until they were dizzy. Now, they’re enjoying the outdoors, picking vibrant purple flowers from an overgrown garden. Every few minutes, Noah rushes over to me, excitedly presenting his finds with an enthusiastic, “Look, Mommy!” He then shares them with Adam, who uses them to embellish their playhouse.
This scene is a perfect blend of the beautiful and the ordinary. They embody everything one would imagine from brothers: energetic, noisy, messy, loving, and funny little accomplices. They are truly best friends, deliberately trying to annoy me at times, only to win me over with their sweetest, messiest kisses.
Since Noah’s birth, Adam has been infatuated with being his brother’s protector and friend. Sure, they bicker occasionally, but they share everything and fall asleep snuggled together in their pajamas every night, preferring each other’s company over their separate comfy beds.
While they are inseparable in many ways, there is a significant difference between them: Adam is neurotypical, while Noah is autistic. When Noah received his diagnosis, I was haunted by two main fears:
- I would fail him.
- He would be lonely.
Gradually, my anxiety about failing Noah has diminished. Initially, it stemmed from a lack of understanding. By listening to autistic adults, I learned that my role is to follow Noah’s lead and love him unconditionally. We ensure he receives the practical support necessary for kindergarten and beyond, but our focus isn’t on making him “less autistic.” Instead, we’ve created a supportive environment where Noah can thrive while remaining true to himself.
The worry about Noah’s potential loneliness still lingers, though. I hope I’m wrong, but I recognize that society can sometimes be unkind to those who are neurodiverse. Above all, I wish for Noah to have the friendships and support he deserves. Thankfully, he has the best friend he could wish for in his brother.
I’ve heard many parents of children with special needs express similar sentiments. If you’re uncertain about how to connect with a child who has physical or neurological differences, observe their siblings—they often show the way.
Watching Adam and Noah together, it’s clear that Adam’s instinctive interactions with Noah require no special training. He naturally accommodates Noah’s differences without any conscious effort. He’s simply engaging with his favorite person in a way that resonates with both of them. There’s no sense of charity—Adam is just as fortunate to have Noah as Noah is to have him.
Adam understands that Noah is autistic. We’ve explained that autism represents a unique lens through which Noah views the world, influencing everything he does. Recently, Adam asked if a particular behavior Noah displayed was due to his autism. When I confirmed it, he paused and remarked, “It’s fine. I like my brother just the way he is.”
Adam always assumes competence in Noah. He suggests activities Noah hasn’t tried before, confidently believing he can succeed. And more often than not, he’s right. Through their interactions, we’ve gained valuable insights about Noah. He rises to new challenges to keep up with his brother.
Noah, like any four-year-old, seeks independence. Though he doesn’t always communicate clearly with words, he is often underestimated. Adam ensures that doesn’t happen; he never does things for Noah that Noah can accomplish himself. If someone else tries, Adam quickly steps in to assert, “He can do it by himself.”
This week, both boys had dentist appointments. They underwent simultaneous cleanings and even x-rays together, returning hand in hand with huge smiles and stickers of their choice. Adam excitedly reported, “Mom, Noah did great! He followed all their instructions and even said thank you!” Noah’s radiant grin confirmed his pride in himself.
Our dental hygienist couldn’t hide her admiration. She remarked, “Do you realize how special Adam is? He’s the best advocate for Noah.” And she’s right. But I made sure to emphasize in front of both boys that Adam is just as lucky to have Noah. They need to hear this often.
Noah is loyal, kind, and always ready to play. He eagerly awaits Adam’s school bus, remembers where Adam misplaced items, and (unlike the rest of us) never tires of hearing Adam talk about dinosaurs. Adam is incredibly fortunate to have him—a perfect companion for all his adventures.
Because they have each other, my boys experience the profound feeling of being truly known and unconditionally loved for who they are. I hope they carry that feeling with them throughout their lives.
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Summary:
This article explores the bond between two brothers, Adam and Noah, highlighting how Noah’s autism does not hinder their friendship. Instead, it fosters a unique connection where Adam instinctively supports Noah, allowing both boys to thrive in their relationship. The author reflects on initial fears regarding Noah’s diagnosis and emphasizes the importance of unconditional love and understanding in nurturing their bond.