By: Anonymous
Updated: Dec. 14, 2020
Originally Published: Jan. 30, 2018
Navigating my pregnancy journey has been a significant challenge. During my first trimester, I battled relentless morning sickness and nausea that persisted well into the afternoon. As I entered the second trimester, I began to suffer from debilitating migraines on a daily basis. To top it all off, my husband and I decided to move from our cherished home in Denver to Houston during this trying time. I left my job, which felt like losing a crucial part of myself. With 20 weeks still ahead in my first pregnancy, I felt as though my life was spiraling out of control.
Then I received the news that I was expecting a girl.
Initially, I insisted that I had no preference regarding the baby’s gender. But deep down, I realized that I had hoped for a boy. My desire for a son stemmed from a belief that it would be less complicated. Truthfully, I was terrified at the prospect of raising a daughter.
The reasons behind my fear eluded me until I sought therapy, which became necessary as I found myself crying alone in our new Houston home, waiting for my husband to return from his long workday. In therapy, I unearthed a painful truth: I feared becoming my mother.
My mom was a stay-at-home parent who undoubtedly loved me and my sister. However, she was also controlling and emotionally distant. Affection was scarce—hugs were rare, and we never shared fun mother-daughter outings or traditions. She fixated on our diets, and whenever we finished a meal, she would refuse to buy that food again. Her rationale? We had consumed it all. Holiday decorations were nonexistent, as she believed they would only need to be packed away in a month.
Despite being my own person, I recognize some of her traits within me: I struggle with my eating habits (often avoiding food if it isn’t deemed “healthy”), I can be controlling (convinced I know the best course of action), and I’ve worked hard to become more open and sentimental in my adulthood. Now, with a daughter on the way, I’m determined to break this cycle.
I do not want to scrutinize my daughter’s eating habits or label her as overweight. I refuse to dominate her decisions or reprimand her for simply being herself. Above all, I want to overcome my fears.
Understanding these patterns gives me the strength to change. Yet, I still feel overwhelmed by the realization that being an exceptional, nurturing mom will require immense effort. I worry about the possibility of transitioning from antepartum to postpartum depression.
To my unborn daughter, I make this promise: I love you fiercely and will always protect you. My aim is to raise you into a confident woman who believes in herself and her capabilities. I will ensure you feel cherished every day (even when you might roll your eyes as a teenager). I will work diligently to ensure you never feel inadequate. Our home will be filled with holiday decorations, and we will embark on adventures to explore the world together. I will love you unconditionally.
I recognize that I am not destined to repeat my mother’s patterns, and this realization is my first step toward becoming the parent I aspire to be.
For more insights on pregnancy and parenting, you can visit resources such as WomensHealth.gov or explore information about fertility at IVF Success Rates. If you’re looking for guidance on home insemination, check out this post for helpful tips.
Summary:
This article reflects on a mother’s determination to break the cycle of emotional distance and controlling behavior she experienced from her own mother. Through therapy, she confronts her fears associated with raising a daughter and makes a vow to foster a loving, supportive environment for her child. By acknowledging her challenges, she aims to become the nurturing parent she aspires to be.