As we wrap up the third week of school, I find myself utterly drained and on edge. My kids, however, are thriving. After a long stretch away from the classroom since March 2020, they are excited to return. They don’t mind the masks, are overjoyed to socialize beyond our family, and surprisingly, they’ve hardly complained about the schoolwork—at least, not yet!
While my children are doing well, I’m struggling. Navigating parenthood during a pandemic is inherently anxiety-inducing, and I’ve battled anxiety for most of my life. I have panic disorder, with one of my main triggers being illness, compounded by a deep-seated fear of something terrible happening to my loved ones.
So, to put it plainly: I’m not doing okay. I’m experiencing real panic attacks several times a week.
The schools have implemented commendable measures to keep COVID at bay, which should provide some comfort. There’s a mask mandate, upgraded ventilation systems, open windows, and appropriately spaced desks. They managed to operate last year with minimal transmission, or so I’ve been told.
Yet, I can’t shake the feeling that so many things could go wrong—this isn’t just my anxiety speaking. The delta variant is more contagious than the strains we faced last year, and while the protocols are reassuring in theory, they aren’t foolproof.
Each day brings new reasons for my anxiety to escalate. Take this past Monday, for instance. I received a call from the school psychologist informing me that my unvaccinated fourth grader was visiting the nurse’s office too often. I know he tends to do this when he’s overwhelmed or wants to dodge schoolwork.
The psychologist suggested we discuss healthier coping mechanisms, but he also pointed out that the nurse’s office isn’t exactly the safest environment during a pandemic. “Just today, there were two kids in there with fevers while your son was waiting to see the nurse about his stomach ache,” he said.
Cue the panic.
Immediately, I thought, “Great, he must have caught COVID.” It’s just how my mind works. I spiraled into anxiety—sweating, racing heart, and multiple trips to the bathroom.
Eventually, I pulled myself together and called the school for more details. The school nurse reassured me that only one child was in the nurse’s office with a fever, and that child had already gone home with a negative COVID test. Later, my son mentioned he had only spent about 30 seconds in the nurse’s office before he was asked to leave due to overcrowding.
Crisis averted, right?
However, later that day, my older son came home reporting that a classmate had been coughing for five straight minutes. Naturally, my anxiety flared up again. (It’s been five days since then, and I haven’t heard of any positive COVID cases at his school, and he seems to be fine, so fingers crossed.)
While not every day involves such dramatic scares, it feels like there’s always something looming. Since school began, I’ve received numerous alerts about kids and teachers testing positive for COVID at my children’s schools. They’ve reported seeing teachers and students either removing masks or wearing them incorrectly. Every time I drop my son off at the bus, there’s always at least one kid with their mask pulled down below their nose.
And let’s not forget how my kids occasionally sneeze and cough for random reasons. How am I supposed to relax with all of this going on?
I recognize that I need to get a grip. These triggers will persist throughout the school year, or at least until the pandemic is under control or my youngest can be vaccinated—whichever comes first.
I know how to manage my anxiety: I have a therapist, breathing techniques, motivational self-talk, and friends to lean on. I understand that sending my kids to school is the right decision for now. My husband and I are vaccinated, as is our teen. Rationally, I know the safety measures in place at the schools are effective, and while there’s always a risk, it’s relatively low that my children will contract COVID.
I’m also aware that as tempting as it is to keep my kids sheltered at home, it’s not what’s best for them. Eighteen months of isolation was bearable, but they needed to reintegrate with others to safeguard their mental health.
It feels like a reversal of fortunes: my children’s mental well-being has improved, while mine has declined. I hope to acclimate to this new normal and learn to manage my panic better—perhaps even stop freaking out when I see a mask slipped on the school bus. I want to remind myself that, despite the uncertainty, my family will likely be okay.
But regardless of what unfolds, this is undeniably challenging. I’m not cut out for navigating school during a pandemic, and I honestly don’t know how much longer I can endure this. I just want it all to be over.
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Summary:
In this reflective piece, Sarah Thompson shares her experience as a mother grappling with anxiety as her children return to in-person schooling after a long break due to the pandemic. While her kids are thriving and adapting well to school life, she finds herself overwhelmed with fear of illness and the risks associated with COVID-19. Despite knowing that the schools have implemented safety measures, her anxiety manifests in panic attacks and a constant worry about potential exposure. Sarah acknowledges the need to cope with her feelings and recognizes the importance of her children’s social interactions for their mental health, all while navigating the challenges of parenting during a pandemic.