My partner and I were gathered around a fire pit in a relative’s backyard, sharing a bottle of wine and commemorating our first family getaway (a mere four hours from home). Our discussion meandered through various pop culture topics and political viewpoints, eventually shifting to my career path, which had transformed from an Admissions Manager to a stay-at-home parent—something I hadn’t anticipated.
When the inevitable question arose—“Do you feel fulfilled and challenged at home, or is it a struggle?”—I began to share my dreams of launching my own business and exploring a more creative field. However, I was quickly interrupted by my mother-in-law, who stated, “It’s not about you anymore. Everything revolves around your child now.” It was clear she wasn’t being intentionally rude; she was echoing advice likely imparted to her by her own mother, who raised five children.
Yet, I firmly believe that my child does not define my identity. While my daughter is an incredibly significant part of my life for whom I feel deep love and responsibility, she is not the entirety of who I am. I possess my own dreams, aspirations, and desires that existed long before her arrival and continue to develop even now.
I cherish the moments I spend with my daughter, from cuddling to laughing and playing together. Of course, there are challenges—tantrums and sleepless nights—but I embrace the joys of motherhood. I often prioritize her needs above my own, purchasing her new outfits before considering a shirt for myself. I have rushed her to medical professionals for injuries and sniffles and even missed social gatherings with friends. I dedicate my time to cooking, cleaning, and reading to her. I’ve chosen to limit her screen time and take her on long walks, a personal decision I made early on as a parent, without judging those who opt for different approaches.
It is disheartening to hear the notion that one’s identity is solely tied to parenthood. I understand the origins of this belief, rooted in generations of parents sacrificing their dreams for the sake of their families. The message often conveyed is, “You no longer come first; your child’s needs take precedence.”
I have made sacrifices and will continue to do so to ensure my daughter’s happiness and health. However, I vehemently refuse to accept that I no longer matter. Occasionally, I treat myself to a massage instead of taking her to the zoo. Not every penny goes into her college fund, as I aspire to visit Thailand one day. I will seek a babysitter for a few hours to enjoy some peaceful window shopping while sipping on an overpriced coffee. These small acts contribute to my well-being and happiness at home.
You matter. Your aspirations matter. Your personal goals matter. While your child is important, you are not rendered obsolete by your role as a parent. It’s crucial to communicate to future generations that their individuality matters, breaking the cycle of the detrimental belief that “you don’t matter anymore.”
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In summary, parenthood does not diminish your worth or identity. You can love your child deeply while still nurturing your own dreams and desires.