Life is full of different challenges—whether it’s a global crisis or personal loss—but the underlying anxiety feels all too familiar. The same questions haunt me during the day and keep me awake at night: What will the future look like? When will things start to feel manageable again? How can I lighten the weight of it all?
This sense of uncertainty has become all too routine. The anxious flutter that creeps in during the wee hours reminds me that everything feels just out of reach, spiraling beyond my control. This inevitably brings back my temper.
With that comes the realization that my emotional energy—usually reserved for delightful moments like board game nights with my children—is consumed by an overwhelming search for a solution that will restore normalcy. My patience dwindles, my tone sharpens, and I find myself becoming the “mean mom” once again.
In the aftermath of my partner’s passing, after the initial shock wore off, I struggled to envision what life would look like as a young widow and single parent. I found myself snapping at my kids more often than I cared to admit. When they bickered or forgot routine tasks, my anger would flare up too quickly. I would raise my voice more than I intended to.
Every morning, as they slept, I promised myself to remain calm, reminding myself that they were grappling with emotions far too complex for their young minds. They needed me to be better.
Yet, day after day, I failed to keep that promise. My emotional capacity was quickly consumed by the unanswerable questions swirling in my mind.
As a new global crisis envelops the world, my anxiety has surged once more, reaching levels reminiscent of those dark days following my husband’s death. I worry about their health, my own well-being, the uncertain future, and the state of our healthcare system and economy. My emotional resources are stretched thin again, leaving my tone harsh and my patience scant. I’m back to being the “mean mom.”
I wish this weren’t the case. I know my kids are struggling, and I despise slipping back into “mean mom mode.” I want to be the parent who seizes this time at home to bond with my children—completing puzzles, teaching them math through fun activities, and organizing themed days—but that’s not the reality for me right now.
Guilt has rooted itself next to my anxiety. Shouldn’t I have learned how to handle uncertainty by now? Shouldn’t I be more equipped to manage my feelings, given my past experiences?
As the day winds down and my children are tucked in bed, I replay the day, reflecting on missed opportunities to act differently. I remind myself of how I managed to escape “mean mom mode” the last time.
It wasn’t a sudden epiphany or a newfound ability to pause before reacting. It wasn’t simply time or finding a new normal. It was in the moments when my daughter asked me, “Why are you so angry?” and I had to acknowledge that even moms struggle with overwhelming feelings. It was when my son woke at night, frightened by the dark and the unseen fears that haunted his dreams. I held him close, breathing deeply together until our fears felt less daunting.
Those moments taught me the importance of allowing space for both my emotions and theirs. While the anxiety about the future still lingers, I’ve realized that embracing my feelings alongside theirs helped me transition out of “mean mom” territory.
Perhaps during these challenging times, I need to shift the narrative I tell myself. Instead of focusing on how I’ve fallen short, I should recognize the small victories—like when I opted to snuggle under a blanket and watch a movie instead of insisting on a board game, or when I took them for a walk, finding laughter despite the odds.
Maybe I’m not the “mean mom” right now; I’m simply a mom doing my best amid uncertainty. I’m navigating this unfamiliar path, even if I stumble along the way.
Ultimately, I’m the mom who is trying her hardest, and that effort is enough. Because at the end of the day, the best we can do is truly all we can do, and that is always sufficient.
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