Here we go. The eye rolls. The heavy sighs. The not-so-subtle “Oh, Mom, please.” The “I don’t want to.” And the classic “he/she dislikes me” (always directed at one parent by the other). I genuinely believed that this kind of attitude wouldn’t kick in until my child hit the teenage years. Clearly, I was mistaken. My ten-year-old has entered the back-talk and defiance phase — and it’s making me lose my mind.
I once naively thought (go ahead and chuckle) that by homeschooling my kids — that is, shielding them from the influence of sassy peers and limiting their exposure to TV shows that glamorize clever retorts aimed at clueless adults (you know, the kind aimed at tweens) — my children would remain polite. They’d be respectful and sweet, and I could avoid back-talk altogether.
Feel free to laugh now.
Once my eldest turned about nine and a half, everything changed. He interrupts us to share what he did or didn’t do. He protests loudly when asked to do simple chores. He sulks and mutters under his breath. He’s an amazing kid—smart, fun, and witty—but at least once a day, the back-talk rears its head.
It drives me absolutely nuts. Growing up, I often heard (usually shouted), “Don’t you dare speak to your mother/father like that!” “Disrespect” (aka back-talk) was never tolerated in my household, and I definitely faced consequences for it. I learned to keep my opinions to myself and understood that my parents didn’t care much for what I had to say. I also learned to fear my father, who was usually the one dishing out the consequences.
But I don’t want to repeat that cycle. My instinctive response to back-talk? “Don’t you talk to me like that!” or “Don’t you disrespect your father!” But I realize it’s counterproductive. I’m perpetuating the same unhealthy dynamic that made me feel small and powerless. It doesn’t teach my son anything except to stifle his voice, and I want to empower him to express himself. So how can I do that?
1. Stay Composed During the Back-Talk
I know this sets me off. I’ve had to step back and question why my child’s so-called disrespect triggers such anger in me. It turns out I held a belief that children owe adults some form of deference. But deference isn’t the same as respect. My child is just as valuable, and his opinions aren’t less valid due to his age. That realization stung.
I’ve learned to breathe and control my reactions. If I’m yelling, he yells back (and some of you might be thinking: how could I let my child yell at me? But I’d rather he stand up for himself than back down). So I’ve started to pause before responding. Sometimes I even count to ten. Those ten seconds really make a difference.
2. Consider What’s Behind the Attitude
My son rarely back-talks without reason. Usually, he’s hangry, thirsty, or tired. We all know how those feelings can cloud judgment. If I recognize that’s the issue, I try to be patient and address whatever physical need is causing the back-talk. It can be tough when he’s huffing, “You don’t have to be so mean!” But taking that ten-second pause truly works wonders.
Sometimes, he’s just feeling overwhelmed. He can’t escape his younger siblings, and we often ask him to do things he doesn’t want to do. He feels bossed around. I don’t want him to feel powerless, so I acknowledge his feelings: “You seem upset because of (whatever triggered the back-talk). Can we talk about that?” This usually helps redirect the conversation. If he snaps back that he isn’t upset, I gently apologize for misinterpreting his feelings and explain, “The way you spoke made me feel hurt, and I don’t like it when people address me like that.”
3. Give Them a Chance to Rephrase
Offering a simple “let’s try that again” can work wonders. I might suggest, “It might feel like I never let you do anything. Can you express that in a kinder way so we can discuss it?” This fosters a dialogue rather than shutting it down. I want my son to know I care about his feelings while still setting boundaries about how we communicate with one another.
4. Reflect on My Own Behavior
It’s pretty embarrassing to realize that I’ve been huffing and snapping at my kids and partner. Where do you think they learned that from? I had to check my own behavior, and that takes a lot of effort and time. I’m working on it. I try to count to ten and refrain from showing my annoyance. Instead of saying with a huff, “I wish you’d told me you had to go to the bathroom five minutes ago,” I remind myself to stay calm.
I’m making progress, but it’s challenging. I’m confronting my own beliefs and trying to change my behavior while staying patient, which is tough for me. I want my son to feel valued and respected, and I don’t want him to silence himself. I hope he learns to express his feelings respectfully, like saying, “I feel like you’re being unfair,” instead of, “You’re so mean.”
I just have to guide him in that direction. If you’re interested in reading more about parenting strategies, check out this blog that discusses effective communication techniques. For expert insights on this topic, visit this resource. Additionally, if you’re looking for more information on pregnancy and home insemination, this site offers excellent support.
Summary
Navigating back-talk from a ten-year-old can be frustrating and challenging for parents. By staying calm, understanding the underlying reasons for the behavior, offering opportunities for rephrasing, and reflecting on one’s own behavior, parents can foster respectful communication while empowering their children to express themselves without resorting to disrespect.