A few months back, I found myself yelling at my children, urging them to hurry up so we wouldn’t miss their spring concert. The struggle to get everyone out the door on time left me frazzled. Despite my chaotic state, I managed to walk into the school with a composed demeanor, heels on and a smile plastered across my face.
An hour later, however, I was in tears as I watched my daughter perform on the elementary stage for the last time. Those tears were mixed with guilt for having raised my voice at my kids, who looked adorable in their concert outfits. Why can’t I maintain my cool for them all the time? Why does it seem like some days I handle everything with grace, while on others, the smallest issue drives me to the brink?
Some days, my response is an immediate “no,” often without even considering what my children are asking. Upon reflection, I realize “yes” would have been just fine, but I stubbornly stick to my “no.” Then there are days when I change my mind, flip-flopping from “no” to “yes,” knowing it sends mixed signals. I’ve read the parenting books; I understand the importance of consistency, but sometimes it just feels right to say yes.
On good days, I can navigate the chaos of toys and messes without issue. I step on matchbox cars without a second thought, simply enjoying their playtime. Other days, however, when they bring down piles of Legos, I feel overwhelmed and wish they’d keep the mess in their room.
Some days I whip up a gourmet meal, unfazed by their complaints, while on others, I slam dishes into the dishwasher in frustration at their lack of appreciation for a balanced meal. Arguments with my partner occasionally spill into view of the kids, and they see us argue, reconcile, and sometimes argue again. Yet some days, I can keep my emotions in check until they’re asleep, allowing myself to breathe.
I often find myself gazing out the window, taking in the joy of my children playing outside, feeling grateful for them. Yet there are countless moments when I tell them to go outside and play, needing my space more than I can count. When I make a quick trip to the store, I find myself yearning for them after just an hour apart, ready to shower them with hugs. On days when I feel overwhelmed, I linger in the parking lot, sipping a soda and gathering my thoughts before heading home.
Some days, I’m eager to engage socially, planning fun outings with other moms. Other times, I retreat into solitude, preferring my yoga pants and some quiet time to recharge. There are days I feel proud of my parenting, while others leave me feeling like a failure, trying my hardest yet feeling like I’m not enough.
Motherhood is a beautiful chaos, a rollercoaster of emotions and experiences. It’s unpredictable and often scary. I don’t always parent in a way that aligns with the advice of the experts, but I’ve come to accept that. One constant remains: the love I have for my children is unconditional and profound. It never wavers, and in many ways, it completes me. Though neither I nor my kids are the same every day, that love endures, and for me, that’s what truly matters.
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Summary
Motherhood is a journey filled with emotional highs and lows, where each day brings different challenges and triumphs. From moments of frustration to deep love and connection, the experience is anything but predictable. Despite the ups and downs, the unconditional love for our children remains a constant source of strength and fulfillment.