When my son, Jake, expressed a desire to attend a New Year’s Eve party with a couple of friends and his girlfriend, I faced a challenging decision as a mother of a 17-year-old. Setting boundaries can be tough, but the pandemic made it somewhat easier to decline.
Naturally, I ended up feeling like the villain, especially since other parents were more lenient and wanted their kids to “enjoy life” after a challenging year. Yes, Karen, I understand it’s been a tough year; I’ve been navigating it too.
A few months later, when another friend turned 18 and his parents booked a hotel room for a party, I found myself in the thick of it again after I said “no.” The other moms were calling me, Jake was upset, and his friends were texting me, trying to persuade me that everything would be just fine.
I was the first to notice when Jake had an itchy throat and runny nose before Christmas, and I took him for a COVID test. When my kids wanted to return to school after half a year of remote learning, they turned to me to make their case. Just last week, I lost my cool when my daughter, Lily, got invited to a slumber party, and I had to say she couldn’t go. I felt awful; these kids have endured so much, but a slumber party could quickly become a super spreader event, especially with teenagers involved. We all remember the sneaking out and trying to have “fun.” Plus, my gut feeling told me that if a parent was willing to host a sleepover, they might not be prioritizing COVID safety.
Lily seemed to understand my reasoning, but on the day of the party, the father of the hosting girl called me—while I was trying to work, mind you—to discuss my decision. He argued for ten minutes about how seriously they were taking the situation and asked me to reconsider. He didn’t reach out to my ex-husband, of course; it was once again my responsibility to prioritize our family’s health and bear the brunt of being the “bad guy.”
This burden is not new; even before the pandemic, I was the one who noticed when my kids needed medical appointments or social interactions. I took charge of their social lives, asking if they wanted friends over while I also managed my work-from-home schedule and my side gig as a taxi service for the kids. Whenever we ran low on food, they would come to me.
So, when every decision felt like a matter of life and death during the past year, it was us—the moms—who had to approve or deny nearly every family move. This reality has made the past year extraordinarily exhausting, and it’s no surprise that we often feel like we can’t win.
It’s a heavy load for one person to bear, and it’s unjust that we are the ones expected to manage these decisions alone. I’ve heard comments from partners (and ex-partners) suggesting it’s because we’re “better at it,” but I reject that notion. The constant worry, the repeated refusals to our children, the weighing of risks for doctor visits unrelated to COVID, and the deliberation over whether a trip to the store is essential can feel paralyzing.
When these responsibilities land squarely on moms, we become the “fun-sponges,” and our children often think we’re simply trying to ruin their lives. We lose sleep over the mental gymnastics of how to navigate this chaos. But that’s what moms do. However, this pressure takes a significant toll, and I’ve never experienced such profound exhaustion in my life.
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In summary, the pandemic has thrust moms into the role of primary decision-makers, leading to overwhelming exhaustion as we navigate the myriad of choices that impact our families’ health and well-being.