The bathroom—a realm of tranquility where countless pivotal moments unfold. From disastrous DIY haircuts to the infamous incident where a playful game of catch resulted in a bloodied nose, this space holds significant value in our lives. Above all, the bathroom serves as a sanctuary—a much-needed refuge for mothers. It’s a space for solace, emotional release, and, quite simply, a lifesaver. The bathroom is the ultimate escape.
I find myself pretending to use the restroom at least five times a day. So often, in fact, that I wonder if my kids are starting to question why they don’t have to experience the “birth” of food babies more regularly. Perhaps they do, but honestly, I’m not concerned.
To my fellow moms, I can hear your collective groans: “Must be nice to enjoy some bathroom solitude!” For those of you who feel you lack that luxury, here are some survival strategies:
- Lock It Up: The bathroom must be equipped with a lock—this is essential.
- Master the Art of Distraction: When you really need to let loose, tell your kids they need to brush their teeth or fetch something from the bathroom right after. This clever strategy ensures they steer clear while you handle your business. Bonus points for tricking them into catching a whiff of your fragrant offering!
- For the Parents of Little Ones: If you have a baby or toddler who requires constant supervision, brace yourself. You’ll have to endure this phase like the rest of us. The silver lining? Once your child is older, you’ll appreciate the art of the faux poop much more. Alternatively, convince your partner you need some time alone—spouses can be just as gullible as kids and fear the bathroom experience.
- Embrace the Closed Door: Kids will inevitably knock, shout, argue, and cry. However, the simple act of closing the door offers a small measure of physical privacy, which is invaluable when you’re trying to maintain your sanity.
I’ve diligently instilled a healthy fear of “mommy’s poop” in my children—arguably the best parenting decision I’ve made. And I have every confidence that you can achieve this as well.
Here’s how to maximize your time during Operation Faux Poop:
- Connect with Friends: If it weren’t for social media, I’d lose touch with everyone. Use this time to catch up and share hilariously inappropriate memes.
- Play Video Games: Engage in virtual farming, candy matching, or princess saving without little ones hovering over you or clamoring for a turn.
- Self-Care Time: While you might not have the chance to pamper yourself fully, use this moment to tackle those pesky brows, floss, or apply some makeup.
- Avoid Tripping Hazards: I’m over the constant threat of my toddler gripping my leg as I walk, resulting in disastrous tumbles. In the sanctuary of my bathroom, I’m safe from such toddler-inflicted injuries.
- Scream Quietly: I might still let out a frustrated yell from inside the bathroom, but at least the door muffles my voice.
- Catch Your Breath: The sight of my kids can sometimes send my blood pressure skyrocketing. Hiding behind a closed door helps me regain my composure, even if I can still hear their antics.
- Get Work Done: Yes, I sometimes respond to emails while perched on my porcelain throne.
- Clean Up: While it’s not the most enjoyable task, cleaning the bathroom when it’s just you ensures that it will stay tidy a bit longer since the kids will be too scared to enter after you’ve made your presence known.
- Read: Take a few moments to dive into celebrity gossip, a few pages of a novel, or those DIY projects you’ll never get around to completing.
- Enjoy Candy: Stash some treats in a tampon box—no kids begging for a taste here!
- Let It Out: If you need to cry, do it. There’s no need to pretend to be strong; the bathroom is the ideal place to let your emotions flow.
So, what are you waiting for? Tell the kids you need to take the Browns to the Super Bowl and claim your time!
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Summary
The bathroom serves as an essential retreat for mothers, offering a sanctuary where they can find solace amidst the chaos of parenting. With clever strategies to maximize bathroom time, moms can enjoy moments of peace, self-care, and even productivity. Whether it’s connecting with friends online, indulging in a sweet treat, or simply letting emotions flow, the bathroom is a mother’s cherished escape.