What has transpired in the fashion world? It appears that the time-honored tradition of crafting clothing to, you know, actually fit people has been completely thrown out the window. Despite an abundance of styles, cuts, and washes available today, finding the right fit feels like a cruel joke.
Step into any clothing store, and you’ll be bombarded with a dizzying selection of denim: skinny, super skinny, ultra skinny, slim skinny, and a category I like to call “can’t-breathe skinny.” And that’s just the skinny jeans! Then there are straight jeans, curvy jeans, straight-curvy hybrids, boyfriend jeans—don’t even get me started on the sexy boyfriend jeans versus the metrosexual boyfriend jeans. It’s the latter I’m in search of: stylish yet comfortable. Where are they hiding?
While my quest for the mythical metrosexual boyfriend jeans continues, I am not lacking in options. I can select from a rainbow of finishes, ranging from distressed to dark wash, and my personal favorite, “worn crystal.” And let’s not forget the range of rises: mid-rise, low-rise, ultra low-rise, and the perplexing half-ass-hanging-out-rise. But where, I ask, is the high-rise? The kind that covers up the stomach and prevents any unfortunate flab from peeking out?
Let’s not overlook the countless varieties of skimmer jeans. After navigating through this vast ocean of denim, sifting through pair after pair that are vaguely different but never quite right, I found myself asking a cheerful sales associate perched on a ladder, “Excuse me, do you have dark-wash, mid-rise skimmer jeans in size 8 ankle? I can’t seem to locate them.”
The young clerk smiled and replied, “We have deconstructed dark-wash skimmer jeans in size 8 ankle, but they’re low-rise… or we’ve got super skinny legging jeans in size 8 ankle, but not in dark wash, and only in ultra-low-rise.”
I sighed, “Can you please tell me if you have any mid-rise skinny jeans in size 8 ankle?”
“Sorry, we don’t,” she said, chewing her gum and turning back to the denim display. I could tell she wasn’t heartbroken by my plight.
“But you have a million jeans in this store,” I pressed, shaking my head. “How can there be none in my size?”
It became clear: I am not 18 anymore, and the world of fashion seems to conspire against me.
Let me clarify something important here: I am not advocating for the high-to-the-eye rise jeans of yesteryear. I’m envisioning a new, improved jean—one that caters to the modern woman, balancing both style and comfort for those of us who have experienced the joys of motherhood or simply outgrown our teenage bodies. It’s high time we had jeans that allow us to look fashionable while maintaining our dignity. After all, while we’ve become accustomed to the sight of unwanted butt-crack, I firmly believe that “crack is wack” should be our mantra.
What baffles me most is why such jeans don’t already exist. This isn’t an impossible dream; it’s achievable.
On particularly difficult shopping days, I find myself gazing out the window, reminiscing about a time when clothing actually fit and didn’t require constant adjusting. I long for the days before muffin tops and when undergarments stayed where they belonged. I fondly recall when an exposed crack was a cause for embarrassment rather than a common sight.
It’s time we take a stand. We must demand a society where mass crack sightings are no longer acceptable. We once had jeans that fit, and we can have them again. We must rise up and insist that our pants do the same because, while options abound, they have not risen high enough.
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Summary
This humorous and relatable piece discusses the frustrating journey of finding comfortable, stylish jeans for women, particularly those who have experienced motherhood. The author reflects on the changing landscape of fashion and the need for jeans that prioritize both fit and dignity, ultimately calling for a renaissance of well-fitting denim.