As the leaves change and the chill of autumn sets in, I find myself uncomfortably aware of my expanding waistline. This annual realization typically kicks in around late October, coinciding with the onslaught of Halloween treats and holiday indulgences, and it usually lingers until the last chocolate Easter egg is consumed. But this year, the awareness has hit sooner than usual. Sure, I could blame it on lack of exercise or poor dietary choices, but let’s be real: the culprit is menopause, and it’s a struggle.
Like many women in my age group, I often gauge my fitness by how my favorite skinny jeans fit. However, last week, my jeans betrayed me in spectacular fashion—the zipper broke, launching metal parts dangerously close to my eye. I would call it an eye-opening experience, but with my newfound vision impairment, it’s hard to appreciate the humor. Now, I’m left hoping my legs can once again fit into my pants without the help of Spanx. That day might finally be here.
For the past two weeks, I embarked on what some call “The World’s Worst Diet.” Seriously, who would voluntarily go ten days without solid food? I suppose a desperate, middle-aged mom might consider it. But it’s more than just a diet; it’s a ten-day detox featuring nothing but lemons, water, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. It also claims to help shed unwanted weight, so why not give it a shot? Anything that helps me drop ten pounds without dire consequences sounds like a win to me.
If you’re curious about whether the Master Cleanse is for you, I documented my journey. Bon appétit!
10 Day Meal Planner
- A whole lot of lemons
- Water
- Grade B maple syrup
- Cayenne pepper
Note: Skip the salt-water flush. Just too gross.
Master Cleanse | Day 1: 3:45 p.m.
It’s freezing—arctic levels of cold. I half-expect Björk to show up with a popsicle, but no luck. So far, I’ve had five lemonade concoctions and even licked a stamp for flavor. Everything smells like chicken. I might just eat the cat.
Master Cleanse | Day 2: 10:27 a.m.
This morning, I caught myself licking the computer screen, hoping to taste a home-cooked meal. Turns out, a friend’s Facebook post featured fake food that looked like eggs. Note to self: get some Windex.
Master Cleanse | Day 3: 1:14 p.m.
During this cleanse, it’s common for your tongue to turn a ghastly white. They say it’s a sign of detoxification, but it looks more like a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Seriously, someone call the paramedics. I think I swallowed my tongue.
Master Cleanse | Day 4: 6:25 p.m.
There’s a hair in my throat that tastes like seaweed and chicken. Surprisingly, it’s quite delicious.
Master Cleanse | Day 5: 5:13 a.m.
It’s dark outside. I hear a scratching at the window. A chipmunk stares at me with glassy eyes. What does he want? He’s rolling in the dirt, and I swear he just mouthed “idiot” while pointing at the bowl of lemons on my counter. I think he’s making fun of me.
Master Cleanse | Day 6: 9:26 a.m.
I’m ashamed to admit it, but this morning, I cheated like a reality TV star caught in a scandal. I tried to resist, but I couldn’t help myself. It’s odd how you can actually taste a cappuccino, but that drink was too good to pass up!
Master Cleanse | Day 7: 2:28 p.m.
My turkey neck is gone because I just ate it! I hate you, Master Cleanse.
Master Cleanse | Day 8: 4:36 p.m.
I saw a squirrel today with the oddest fur coat. It reminded me of a Nutella and peanut butter mix I once made. Too bad it didn’t taste the same.
Master Cleanse | Day 9: 10:56 a.m.
I can see my toes again. They look different—more appetizing, somehow. Oh dear, I think I need to go.
Master Cleanse | Day 10: 7:16 p.m.
I made it! I survived ten days without harming anyone (that I know of). I feel alive (read: starving)! I can’t wait to wear my now-fitting spandex at the gym and to chew again. I’m so curious how food will taste after this. Will it hurt my jaw? I wonder if Domino’s delivers here. Should I just go pick it up? Forget it. I’m more concerned about how strong that new zipper is.
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In summary, navigating menopause can be challenging, especially when it comes to weight gain. The Master Cleanse, while extreme, provided me with a unique detox experience that was both humorous and enlightening. Whether or not it’s the right choice for you, understanding your body during this transition is crucial.