The last time this happened to me, I was standing in line at my local coffee shop, anxiously waiting for my order. My mind was racing with all the tasks I needed to tackle after getting my much-needed caffeine fix. I was probably wearing a furrowed brow, lost in thought, when I felt someone staring at me. I turned to see a man grinning at me as if he was about to deliver a charming compliment.
“Smile,” he said cheerfully, “It’s a lovely day outside.” His smile suggested that he believed this was a perfectly acceptable thing to say. Little did he know, his words sent shivers down my spine, making me feel uncomfortable and objectified.
I consider myself a friendly person, capable of engaging in conversation with anyone. Growing up, I was conditioned to be polite, always adhering to the societal expectations placed upon women: sit gracefully, nod in agreement, apologize frequently, and above all, smile. These messages were ingrained in me without ever being explicitly stated. I should embody softness, beauty, femininity, and a perpetual sense of happiness.
That morning, I reluctantly smiled back at him, despite feeling uneasy. It probably didn’t come off as genuine, but sometimes deep-rooted social conditioning takes over, especially when you’re distracted and under-caffeinated. Looking back, I realize I only smiled to end the interaction quickly, hoping he would take the hint and leave me alone.
To the men who think it’s acceptable to tell women to smile: we often do so just to avoid further conversation. We offer a smile in hopes that you’ll take the hint and vanish, allowing us to go about our day without feeling creeped out. In my view, such comments are akin to subtle catcalling, a way of demanding something from a woman that she may not feel inclined to give.
I recently listened to a podcast featuring a journalist, Sarah Thompson, who confronted catcallers to understand their mindset. Surprisingly, many of these men believed that women would appreciate their remarks. When she surveyed women on the street, the results were eye-opening: 67% felt that a catcall would escalate into something more threatening, 85% expressed anger, 78% felt annoyed, 80% were nervous, and 72% reported feeling disgusted. Yet, the catcallers were bewildered that women found their comments unwelcome, so one can only imagine their confusion when they learn we also dislike being told to smile.
So, to the men who still think they have the right to instruct women to smile, please stop. We don’t find it endearing, and we certainly don’t feel flattered. It’s invasive and uncomfortable to be told to change our demeanor for someone else’s approval, especially by a stranger who clearly lacks respect for personal space.
Next time I find myself in a similar situation at a coffee shop or while out and about, I plan to push back against years of conditioning. Instead of simply smiling, I might just say, “No, thank you” or, if I’m feeling bold, give him the one-finger salute.
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In summary, it’s crucial to understand that telling women to smile is not a compliment; it’s an unwanted intrusion into their personal autonomy. Women deserve to express themselves without feeling pressured to conform to societal expectations of happiness.