When I had my first child, the idea of being a dedicated and attentive mother never crossed my mind. My days with my son felt seamless—we woke up together, spent every moment in sync, and I rocked him to sleep each night, certain I was fulfilling all his needs. He was calm, kind, and bright, and I took full credit for his delightful nature, attributing it to my exceptional parenting skills.
However, when I found out I was expecting my second child, I envisioned replicating that same dynamic. With the experience of raising my first, I thought I could easily meet the needs of two children, ensuring fairness and balance. I was convinced I could manage the dual role of a mother to two kids just as smoothly as I did with one.
A few months into parenting two boys, the reality hit: the dynamics are not that simple. My second son is equally intelligent and wonderful, yet their individual needs have been distinctly different since birth. This initial realization taught me a valuable lesson: attempting to create equal relationships with my children was unnecessary, stressful, and ultimately unproductive.
Let me clarify, my partner and I recognize that at various ages, children are sensitive to the notion of fairness. We strive to keep some aspects equal—like sharing hugs and kisses, balancing gifts during the holidays, and allowing each child to choose a restaurant on their birthday. We encourage taking turns and sharing toys, and yes, we make them split the last cookie. We’re not teaching them that life is universally fair from day one.
However, when it comes to our parenting choices, equality isn’t our guiding principle. Each child has unique requirements for time, energy, and support to flourish, and trying to balance everything perfectly is unrealistic. I’m comfortable with this imbalance.
Before becoming a mom, I was sure I understood what children needed. I read all the parenting books and followed expert advice, believing there was a one-size-fits-all approach to fostering happiness and success. But as many parents discover, raising children is far more complex than that.
For instance, I once thought that children required a set amount of one-on-one time with each parent to feel cherished. We attempted to implement that idea, but my older child showed a clear preference for family bonding. He often declines solo activities, expressing a desire for everyone to be together, which makes him feel secure.
In contrast, my younger son thrives on individual time. A simple outing with just one of us, like a quick Sunday morning bagel run with his dad, revitalizes him for the entire day. If I rigidly adhered to an equal time model, I’d risk neglecting the unique needs of each child. Instead, I concentrate on ensuring that both feel valued and understood in ways that resonate with them. Fairness doesn’t always equate to equality, and the pressure of trying to achieve it can overwhelm parents.
I’ve decided to abandon the notion of keeping score. Embracing this mindset also has long-term benefits. Teaching children that everyone gets what they actually need, rather than what appears to be equal, prepares them better for the world. By focusing on equity—distributing resources based on individual requirements—we’re instilling in our children the ability to advocate for themselves in various aspects of life, from education to career and social situations.
I want my kids to understand that they deserve respect and that asking for help is a sign of strength. But more importantly, I don’t want to raise adults who can’t grasp the concept that fairness often involves recognizing the difference between equal and equitable treatment. As middle-class white males in America, they will face situations where they benefit from privilege. In our household, they will learn that true equality means meeting everyone’s needs, even if different strategies are required to achieve that.
Raising two children is not simply duplicating the experience of raising one; it’s akin to juggling two distinct full-time roles, sometimes overlapping but often diverging. My expectations for each child are tailored to their personal capabilities and circumstances, leading to a more balanced and fulfilling environment for everyone involved.
Ultimately, ensuring that each child receives what they require fosters a sense of balance and satisfaction that rigid equality often fails to achieve. Parents, if you find yourself exhausted from striving to maintain equal relationships and equal distributions of everything, take a moment to pause and reassess. If you’re already concerned about doing it right, chances are you’re already succeeding.
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Summary:
Meeting the distinct needs of each child is vital in parenting, rather than striving for equal treatment. While small gestures of fairness are important, each child’s requirements vary, and focusing on what they need fosters a healthier family dynamic. It’s crucial to teach children about equity over strict equality, preparing them for life’s complexities.