The time has come: back-to-school shopping is upon us, and if you’re anything like me, you’ll likely procrastinate until the last minute. Fear not! Here’s an 18-step guide to help you navigate this exhausting adventure with your kids.
- Download the supply list from your child’s school website.
- Let out a dramatic sigh and a shudder.
- Gather the appropriate number of children and head to your local superstore in comfortable shoes. A discreetly hidden water bottle filled with chardonnay is recommended.
- Make your way to the back-to-school section. If you can’t find it, look for the area adorned with bright signs and shattered hopes.
- Retrieve the supply list and a pen, ready to tackle this mission with a strategic mindset.
- First stop: glue sticks. We need 12, but they come in packs of 10. Try to convince Child #1, who can count, that 10 is just as good as 12. Discuss whether the teacher will notice the missing two. Brace for a lecture from your now rule-abiding offspring.
- Abort the mission when Child #2 announces they need to go potty—despite your earlier inquiry at the entrance when they swore they didn’t need to go.
- After a successful restroom visit, you find washable glue for Child #2. It’s not Elmer’s, and the list insists on “IT MUST BE ELMER’S” in all caps. Toss the off-brand glue into the cart, knowing it’s not the best choice.
- Next on the list: “SHARP 5-inch pointed Fiskars scissors.” Isn’t it a given that pointed means sharp? Why is “sharp” in ALL CAPS? STOP YELLING AT ME, SCHOOL SUPPLY LIST.
- Child #1 announces another potty break. Take a swig of your “water” and head back to the restrooms.
- Return to the back-to-school section in search of three packs of 24-count Crayola crayons. Why not just buy a 64-count pack? Because Child #2 needs 72 crayons—those extra 8 will surely elevate their kindergarten experience.
- Begin to suspect that the education system and retailers are conspiring to deplete parents of their sanity.
- Try to direct Child #1 to a standard 5×8 plastic pencil box. Prepare for eye rolls as she insists on a zebra-print, voice-activated box with GPS that dispenses Skittles. Stand firm against the ensuing tears.
- Impressively find watercolor paints and dry erase markers. Feel superior to the other parents around you.
- With just two items left on the list, take a moment to celebrate with a sip from your water bottle.
- Head to the eraser aisle, where you spot a latex-free Pink Pearl eraser. Laugh at the word “latex.” Discover there are no pink erasers left, only blue ones and a SpongeBob SquarePants version. Not a suitable choice for an 11-year-old girl.
- Strike a deal with Child #1: a zebra-print pencil box if she accepts the SpongeBob eraser. Acknowledge the shift in power dynamics.
- Finally, locate the pencils. The list specifies unsharpened ones. Spy a box of sharpened pencils, break the leads off all 24 while your children watch in shock, and calmly place the now unsharpened pencils back in the box before tossing it in the cart.
Congratulations! You’ve successfully collected 90% of the items on your list while avoiding the dreaded backpack aisle and a total meltdown. You might have spent two hours at the store and forgotten to grab dinner ingredients, but hey, Chinese takeout for everyone! A cause for celebration indeed.
For more on home insemination, check out our post on artificial insemination kits. And if you’re looking for tips on managing your little ones’ sleep schedules, this article offers some great advice. If you’re interested in understanding more about the insemination process, visit this NHS resource.
In summary, back-to-school shopping can be a chaotic endeavor, but with a bit of organization and humor, you can survive the experience.