By: Samantha Lewis
Updated: Dec. 20, 2015
Originally Published: Nov. 27, 2014
Several months ago, I had an enlightening conversation that highlighted a curious communication pattern. While discussing social media, I quickly realized that no matter what I stated, my conversation partner would refute my points. If I asserted that “A is significant,” he would counter with, “Actually, B is more important.” This went on for two hours! I sensed that if I had reversed my statements, he would have done the same.
I encountered a similar dynamic during a chat with a friend’s spouse. Regardless of my casual comments, she consistently disagreed. For instance, when I remarked, “That sounds enjoyable,” she replied, “No, not at all.” And when I commented, “That must have been quite challenging,” she dismissed it with, “For someone like me, it’s no trouble.” This pattern continued, and it became clear that this oppositional conversational style (OCS) was a recurring theme.
Questions to Ponder
Since those experiences, I’ve pondered a few questions regarding this conversational approach:
- Is OCS a consistent tactic employed by certain individuals, or do specific circumstances, perhaps my own behavior, provoke this response?
- Is it a method of asserting dominance through correction?
- Are individuals who engage in OCS aware of their tendencies? Do they recognize their conversation style differs from the norm?
- Are they conscious of how exhausting this can be for their conversation partners?
In the first instance, my discussion partner employed OCS in a warm and engaging manner. Perhaps he saw this as a way to stimulate conversation and keep it lively. While it did generate interesting insights, I found it mentally taxing.
Conversely, during my second interaction, the constant disagreement felt more confrontational. I was attempting to engage in light conversation, only to be met with contradictions. It took considerable self-restraint to avoid rolling my eyes and retorting, “Fine, whatever, I don’t care if you enjoyed it or not.”
I’m not suggesting that everyone should agree at all times. I enjoy a good debate myself (my background in law has made me somewhat comfortable with confrontation). However, it becomes tiresome when each comment in a casual conversation is met with, “Nope, you’re wrong; I’m right.” Effective communicators can navigate disagreements constructively, fostering a more positive atmosphere rather than a combative one.
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In conclusion, while engaging conversations are vital for connection, recognizing the impact of oppositional styles can help foster more enjoyable and productive discussions.