I’m in a solid marriage. Happy, even. My partner treats me well, and I do the same for him. As the singer Maren Morris would say, “the bones are good.” We have three kids, each one a cherished part of our family plan. We wanted this life—just the two of us, three kids, and a couple of dogs. We asked for it all, and we got it.
Yet, I will candidly say that even in what I consider a “good” marriage, combining marriage with kids is no walk in the park.
If anyone claims that the daily challenges of raising children while maintaining a healthy adult relationship don’t come with a multitude of hurdles, they’re simply not being truthful. There are countless beautiful moments that come with parenthood, but let’s be honest—there are also monotonous and stressful times. It’s unreasonable to think that the stress of parenting doesn’t sometimes seep into your marriage. I won’t accept that notion.
Open Dialogue About Realities
Can we please maintain an open dialogue about the realities of marriage and parenting? It should be perfectly acceptable to share with friends, family, or even on social media that the years spent raising children alongside a partner are filled with both wonderful and challenging moments. Life gets tough, and that’s normal. We should be able to express this without feeling obligated to emphasize how much we adore our partners or how fantastic they are as parents. The polished image we present about our common challenges feels isolating and disingenuous.
Especially on social media. Are these influencers really convincing anyone that they, as a couple with three kids, are consistently doing adorable things like kissing in sunflower fields or getting matching tattoos that say “To Infinity” and “And Beyond?” In reality, we’re all changing diapers, applying sunscreen, air frying chicken nuggets, and bickering about a full trash can. Let’s be real.
Facing Financial Challenges
It’s perfectly fine to say, “We’re navigating some tough marriage issues right now,” without feeling the need to list all the positive things we love about our partner beforehand. The challenges we face are widespread for many reasons.
Marriage plus kids is EXPENSIVE.
My partner is in the military, and I work as a freelance writer. Neither of our careers lead to a life of luxury. We manage just fine and never go without, but there isn’t always room in our budget for the extras—let alone for activities that might strengthen our marriage.
Spontaneous weekend getaways to reconnect? Not happening. Regular hotel stays or hiring a babysitter for a nice date night? Not in our budget. We often have to navigate our difficulties right at home. This sometimes means that our “hard” lasts a bit longer or feels tougher to work through, and that’s perfectly okay.
Balancing Parenting and Marriage
Children make it a challenge to always put your marriage first.
I can’t always be the partner I used to be because time is limited. I genuinely want to keep my marriage thriving, but kids have immediate needs that I can’t overlook. I can’t ignore a dirty diaper, a fever, or a skinned knee to spend quality time with my husband. Our kids require meals, rides to activities, baths, and playtime with us. We have to manage chores, lay out school clothes, and keep our home in order. Even a regular day without extra activities is busy when you’re trying to keep kids happy and healthy.
We can’t always sit down to resolve every disagreement or frustration. We handle the significant issues and let the minor annoyances slide. Sometimes, even when we have the time, we lack the mental energy. After a long day, when our kids are asleep or otherwise occupied, I might just need to scroll through TikTok for a while, while my husband prefers to finish projects or unwind with some TV. It’s exhausting to feel like we have to be productive all the time. Sometimes, we’re just too tired to address the little annoyances that come up each day.
When both of us are exhausted, it’s necessary to let some things go. Yes, I acknowledge that leaving those small frustrations unaddressed can lead to rough patches, but it doesn’t mean we love each other any less or that we’re contemplating separation. It doesn’t signify a decline in our relationship’s overall health.
The Reality of Marriage and Parenting
This is simply the reality of two people managing something significant, important, and HARD together. Those minor irritations can accumulate. Perceptions of unequal parenting responsibilities can breed resentment. It’s not always a honeymoon phase. Sometimes, when parenting gets chaotic, you just have to hunker down, work together, and when you finally resurface, try to smooth out the wrinkles.
I often refer to the few months after welcoming a baby as the “scratchy patch.” It’s not a rough patch per se; we’re not on the brink of separation or falling out of love. It’s just not smooth sailing either. Introducing a new baby inevitably brings stress—creating a scratchy feeling. Raising those little ones can produce similar strains. It’s not always marital bliss, and that’s perfectly acceptable.
Every marriage feels some strain when children enter the picture. I’m comfortable admitting this without needing to defend our relationship or reassure others that, during difficult times, we aren’t on the verge of divorce. Even the most loving, solid marriages face challenges. Yours, mine, and even that seemingly perfect couple on Instagram with their matching tattoos and picturesque photos.
Further Reading
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Summary
Marriage and parenting can be incredibly challenging, even for those in what they perceive as strong relationships. The daily grind of raising children often complicates the dynamics of marriage, leading to stress and the need to prioritize immediate parenting tasks over couple time. While navigating these difficulties, it’s essential to acknowledge that both joy and hardship coexist in the parenting journey. It’s perfectly normal to experience “scratchy patches” in marriages after welcoming children, and it doesn’t diminish the love shared between partners. Being open about these struggles can foster a more genuine understanding of family life.