A recent trend in parenting styles that has been gaining traction on social media is “gentle parenting,” often also termed “positive parenting.” If you’ve encountered this topic in your feed, you may have noticed the mixed reactions in the comments.
Some individuals express their support for what they interpret as gentle parenting. They believe that children cannot manipulate adults and that every emotional expression from a child, regardless of how disruptive, should be accepted or even encouraged. This perspective often carries an air of superiority, with proponents feeling their children possess greater emotional intelligence than those raised without gentle parenting methods.
Conversely, others dismiss gentle parenting as a way to let children have free rein, resulting in spoiled, whiny, and overly dependent kids.
Both sides, however, seem to misunderstand the true essence of gentle parenting. They often conflate it with permissive parenting, also known as indulgent parenting, which research indicates can adversely affect a child’s development. When parents fail to establish loving yet firm boundaries and allow inappropriate behavior to go unchecked, children may exploit this leniency, leading to potentially harmful actions.
In contrast, gentle parenting is not about being overly permissive. Those who believe they are engaging in gentle parenting while actually adopting a permissive approach are missing the core principles of what gentle parenting truly means—and this misinterpretation does a disservice to both themselves and their children.
Understanding Gentle Parenting
Gentle parenting focuses on creating fair and firm boundaries while avoiding harsh punishments. It emphasizes meeting a child’s needs, acknowledging their emotions, and teaching them to consider others when expressing these feelings. While there are consequences for inappropriate actions, these are directly related to the behavior in question. In essence, gentle parenting aligns closely with authoritative parenting.
As a parent with 15 years of experience, I suspect that the modern term “gentle parenting,” which gained prominence around 2015, is a rebranding of “authoritative” parenting. The latter term tends to sound similar to “authoritarian,” which is a strict, often harmful parenting style. However, when you compare descriptions of gentle or positive parenting with authoritative parenting, they are virtually identical.
Gentle parenting does not equate to allowing children to misbehave without repercussions. It involves using non-violent and non-coercive methods to communicate expectations. It recognizes the parent as the authority in the household while also respecting and considering a child’s emotions and developmental stage.
Practical Examples of Gentle Parenting
For instance, if a toddler intentionally spills juice on the floor, a gentle yet authoritative response would involve having the child help clean up the mess while discussing why the spill occurred. Even if the child can’t articulate their reasoning clearly, a parent might discern that they are trying to practice pouring. Redirecting that need through a safe and appropriate activity could be the answer.
In contrast, if an older child spills juice out of frustration, the response should differ. An eight-year-old is likely capable of cleaning up their own mess, and the parent should calmly explain that while it’s okay to feel angry, that reaction is inappropriate. Further consequences would depend on the underlying issue causing the frustration.
Gentle parenting—like authoritative parenting—requires caregivers to be detectives. What underlying need drives the child’s challenging behavior? What message might they be trying to convey? For instance, an eight-year-old upset about losing video game time might be stressed due to changes in their routine and require help channeling their emotions.
However, gentle parenting does not involve cleaning up a mess while passively empathizing with a child’s tantrum, nor does it mean offering additional video game time to calm them down. Such reactions are indicative of permissive parenting and are inappropriate for any age. Unfortunately, many people seem to envision this scenario when they think of gentle parenting.
The Importance of Composure
What gentle parenting does strongly advocate is maintaining composure as a parent. I am skeptical of any parent who claims they never raise their voice; we all have our moments. On particularly challenging days, I have certainly shouted at my kids. However, gentle parenting aims to minimize yelling and instead focuses on helping children learn acceptable behaviors rather than imposing arbitrary punishments.
You might have thought you were employing authoritative parenting without realizing you were also practicing gentle parenting—mistaking it for a permissive approach. Alternatively, you may have thought you were gentle parenting only to discover you were inadvertently being permissive. Either way, you now understand that gentle parenting is synonymous with authoritative parenting. Regardless of the label, research consistently shows that it is the most effective method for raising emotionally intelligent, well-adjusted, confident, and responsible children. Happy gentle parenting!
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In summary, gentle parenting, often confused with permissive parenting, emphasizes setting firm yet loving boundaries while respecting children’s emotions. It is a form of authoritative parenting that promotes healthy emotional development.