Kids can be incredibly gross, and their disregard for trash cans is probably why I discovered a sticky, half-chewed piece of candy on the floor next to my toilet. Who among my adorable yet messy children was responsible for this mystery is anyone’s guess, but it was evident that one of them had decided they didn’t like whatever sugary treat they had previously devoured.
It once had a chewy texture—a Starburst, perhaps, or one of those bizarre fruit-flavored Tootsie Rolls—but now it was just a sugary glob stuck to my bathroom floor. The area around the toilet is hardly a clean zone, yet finding a chewed, gooey piece of candy glued to the floor was a new low.
Seriously, kids.
I scraped the sticky mass off the tile and tossed it into the toilet, hoping it would swirl down with the other unmentionable items. Then, since I was already in there, I did my business. After flushing, I leaned over to check if the candy had vanished, but it remained stubbornly wedged against the toilet bowl like a fruity pink barnacle. There was no way I was going to retrieve it.
It was sugar, so I assumed it would dissolve eventually—at least enough to wash away with the next flush. Or so I thought.
A short while later, while folding laundry in the adjoining room, my husband entered the bathroom. “Uh, honey?” he called out. “Is there candy in the toilet? Do I even want to know why?”
I explained the scenario and jokingly suggested he might be able to dislodge it with a targeted stream of pee. To my surprise, he accepted the challenge with more enthusiasm than a man in his thirties should probably exhibit. He aimed with precision, unleashing a direct stream at the candy.
Yet, it clung to the porcelain, impervious to both water and urine—even after two flushes.
Like most parents, I had more pressing concerns and zero interest in fishing it out. So I left it there, once again.
Minutes later, as we prepared to leave the house, I instructed the kids to use the bathroom. My son, Oliver, who was four at the time, went in. I heard him peeing, but an unusual pause preceded the flush. When he finally emerged, he was chewing.
Just happily chomping away.
My stomach dropped. I didn’t want to ask, knowing full well what the answer likely was, but I did anyway: “Oliver, what’s in your mouth?”
“Just some candy,” he replied, his mouth full of pink goo.
“And did you find it…” I hesitated, my eyes watering, “in the toilet?”
He nodded casually, as if discovering treats in the toilet was a normal occurrence. It was like finding a hidden treasure, brightening his otherwise dull day. Free candy!
And then? He swallowed it.
Yes, you read that right.
To recap: My child ingested a piece of candy that had been chewed up (by someone else, no less), spat onto the bathroom floor, deposited into the toilet, marinated in toilet water, and then peed on by three different people.
I was horrified and nauseated.
My husband, however, was laughing uncontrollably.
I’m relieved to share that he survived. Now at nine, I take every opportunity to remind him of this incident whenever he turns his nose up at my cooking, as if my chili could possibly be worse than toilet candy. I can’t wait to share this story with his future partner right before they lean in for a kiss.
Ah, the (very gross) joys of parenting.
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Summary:
This humorous tale recounts the author’s unexpected discovery of a piece of chewed candy on the bathroom floor and the subsequent events that follow when her son ingests it. Despite the grossness of the situation, the author reflects on the absurdities of parenting, turning a cringe-worthy moment into a lighthearted story.