Last autumn, my young daughter was deeply focused on her computer and suddenly shouted, “Hey, I am NOT a GUY!” In that moment, she recognized that the term “you guys” failed to encompass her unique identity. She sensed that something was off. At that time, my daughters were engaged in remote learning, and my days were filled with their Zoom-related outbursts directed at – yes, me, their Mom. However, on this day, my first grader chose to express her feelings to one of her favorite teachers instead, providing me with a brief but welcome break.
While I certainly don’t condone yelling at teachers – we hold them in high regard at home – I felt a sense of pride that day. Why? Because my daughter, at such a tender age, had bravely voiced her truth. She demonstrated a fundamental lesson we all learn over time: our words hold weight.
The language we use as parents or educators profoundly impacts our children’s self-esteem and sense of belonging. Words can convey power and privilege, a concept that is often overlooked. The effects of our language are often recognized only in hindsight—how our words can uplift or wound, empower or diminish, validate or erase.
Her exclamation didn’t just spotlight the disconnect between “you guys” and her vibrant identity; it also raised important questions worth exploring. Should we continue using “you guys”? Is it genuinely a gender-neutral term? Do our children accept this language, or has it been imposed on them?
You might wonder, what’s the fuss? After all, “you guys” is ubiquitous, seemingly inclusive of all genders. It’s a phrase echoed by family, friends, on news broadcasts, in films, and from various leaders across the political and social spectrum. Even I, who identify as progressive and feminist, have used it!
The pandemic, while bringing profound challenges, has also led many to re-evaluate what truly matters in their lives, prompting necessary changes. I found myself more engaged in my role as a parent, a role that sometimes took a backseat to my professional life.
After spending more time at home with my daughters, I noticed they were defaulting to male pronouns. A dog walking by became a “he.” A deer in our yard? “He” again. Even a butterfly visiting our garden was labeled “he.” They were also using “you guys” to refer to others, which disheartened me.
While I had consciously reduced my use of “you guys” in professional settings, I continued to say it at home, even with my daughters. I realized I was part of the issue and explained to them why the term didn’t make sense. They quickly pointed out that Mom was wrong, yet again.
Upon reflection, using “you guys” is confusing and can send the wrong message. It implies that any child who doesn’t identify as a “guy” is overlooked, suggesting their existence is secondary to the male gender. It’s akin to using “mankind” to describe humanity. “You guys” perpetuates the gender inequities in our society, amplified by issues of race, class, nationality, and religion. Though the intent behind using the phrase may not be to contribute to this cycle of devaluation, the impact remains.
Language has always been integral to the fight for equality. Oppressed groups have reclaimed derogatory terms to build personal and political power. Words have the power to unite and mobilize movements, as seen with the MeToo movement, which rallied millions around healing and empowerment. The Black Lives Matter movement, too, has sparked a global movement for racial justice. Interestingly, the co-founders of Black Lives Matter faced pushback for their choice of words, yet it is precisely those words—Black Lives Matter—that are vital in addressing racial issues today.
I’m grateful my daughter recognized the problem with “you guys.” Children have a unique ability to prompt vital changes both personally and socially. When they voice their honest critiques, it’s our responsibility to listen.
Since that wake-up call, my family has committed to avoiding “you guys” and growing together in our awareness. We’ve engaged in meaningful conversations with family, friends, and educators, often with my daughters leading the way. In doing so, they’re acquiring crucial skills in self-advocacy and empowerment.
Many experts have already discussed the need to move away from using “you guys.” I hope that this shift can occur not only in workplaces but also in homes and schools. By simply altering a few words, we can help our children feel seen in their entirety, allowing them to flourish into their authentic selves.
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In summary, it’s time to reconsider our language when speaking to children. By opting for more inclusive terms, we can affirm their identities, promote equality, and encourage them to embrace their true selves.