It was February 14, 2021, Valentine’s Day. My partner and I had taken our 10-month-old and 3-year-old to a nearby playground and ordered dinner from our favorite restaurant. To anyone watching on social media, it looked like a perfect day.
However, as the kids settled down for their naps, my partner pulled me aside to share the news that he had filed for divorce. He had already hired a lawyer, put down a deposit for a rental home, and set a move-in date for the following month. I could tell he had rehearsed his words, trying to break the news as gently as possible. But we were both emotionally drained at that point, and I don’t even think he realized what day it was.
The pain I felt was unbearable. In just a year, I had been pregnant, given birth to a second daughter, navigated a demanding full-time job, contracted COVID, and now faced a divorce—all during a pandemic. No one should have to endure such turmoil.
While I felt blindsided and betrayed, the Valentine’s Day announcement wasn’t entirely unexpected. I had been contemplating a separation for over a year, often mentioning divorce in our discussions. Last year, I found myself consumed by anger. Perhaps it was a combination of pregnancy and postpartum challenges, the anxiety of COVID, the pressure of raising two young children, work stress, living in a cramped space, the isolation from stay-at-home orders, and even well-meaning in-laws who inadvertently added fuel to the fire. The racial dynamics of our marriage in the backdrop of the Black Lives Matter movement, along with differing political views, also complicated things. Ultimately, it became clear that our marriage was ending, a realization brought to light by these experiences.
Before his announcement, I harbored intense anger toward him, even joking about whether he’d be worth more alive or dead (for the record, I wish him no harm). In my anger, I sought out resources about divorce, primarily concerned with how it would impact our children. There was also a part of me that wanted to “win” this battle, as if life were a competition. In a time flooded with information, dramatized portrayals of divorce, targeted ads based on late-night online searches, and an industry profiting from divorce, it was easy to spiral into a dark place—especially during COVID.
I began to seek support beyond online forums. I read books, attended free divorce webinars offered by local organizations, listened to podcasts, spoke with a therapist, joined a Zoom therapy group, and connected with other divorced individuals. Gradually, my initial aim of “winning” transformed into an inward journey of self-reflection. I realized I needed to examine my own actions and choices.
It became evident that my husband’s actions were not my concern; I could only control my own choices. If I sat with my feelings long enough, perhaps I could discover some inner peace and light. I realized it was time to stop chasing external validation and instead cultivate my own inner strength.
My decision about whether to stay in the marriage had to come from a place of self-awareness. When I had declared a separation, I was fueled by anger rather than clarity. I noticed similar patterns in others I spoke with—many had fixated on blaming their partners rather than taking responsibility for their contributions to the relationship’s decline. I ultimately understood that I wasn’t ready for divorce; I needed to focus on self-improvement within the marriage. Ironically, the choice was made for me on a day meant to celebrate love. Perhaps this decision will ultimately become an act of love for myself.
Letting go means taking accountability for my actions, grieving the loss of my marriage’s expectations, and moving forward toward a brighter future for myself and my children. Regardless of the percentages of fault, we all experience loss in some form. For me, the accountability included:
- I struggled to set and communicate clear emotional boundaries, leading to frustration whenever they were crossed.
- I fed my anxiety about the future, which distracted me from being present.
- I became competitive, causing me to avoid my partner and cultivate resentment.
- I mistakenly believed I could change my partner’s perspective; that was purely my ego speaking.
- I fought to win arguments rather than focusing on the health of the marriage.
- I used anger and blame to cover my insecurities.
- I struggled to communicate my vulnerabilities effectively.
- When adversity didn’t unite us, I mistakenly thought trying harder was the solution, leading me down a misguided path.
Recognizing these patterns has been exhausting, but I can no longer ignore them. I need to work on these behaviors not only for my own sake but also for my children. While I wish I could have embarked on this journey alongside my spouse, I accept that I must navigate it independently, supported by a community I’ve built along the way.
I am grateful for my privileges as a soon-to-be single mother, but I wouldn’t wish the pain of divorce on anyone. In moments of vulnerability, I will strive to live boldly. For me, living fully means embracing vulnerability with intention, honesty, and kindness. It is a commitment to self-actualization and self-compassion, as well as compassion toward others.
And, above all, it’s about letting go.
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Summary:
I experienced a painful and transformative divorce during the pandemic, learning valuable lessons about accountability, self-awareness, and the importance of personal growth. Recognizing my own faults was essential in navigating my emotions and moving forward for the sake of my children. Embracing vulnerability and compassion, I aim to cultivate a brighter future.