Trigger Warning: Child Loss
Facing the Harsh Reality of Loss
It’s difficult to articulate the devastation that accompanies the loss of a child. Prepare yourself for a journey filled with unimaginable pain. Just over two years ago, my partner, Lisa, and I embarked on the path of IVF. After enduring countless injections, medications, and medical procedures, we were finally able to create life. From the initial moments, we received daily updates on our embryos’ progress. Ultimately, we had three viable six-day-old embryos, and we transferred two of them into Lisa’s womb. After nearly nine months of anticipation, we welcomed our son, Ethan.
Following this joy, we grappled with the fate of the remaining embryo, which remained frozen in time. Each day, we would look at its pictures and discuss our options. Earlier this year, we felt it was time to bring her home, and we began the journey to do so. However, this round was fraught with complications. Initial treatments went smoothly, but after implantation, the situation turned dire.
We learned early on that the pregnancy was not progressing as it should and that we had lost the baby. I received that heart-wrenching call. The doctor suggested scheduling a D&C, but I requested a week to seek a second opinion. In those days of uncertainty, we cried and prayed for our little girl.
When we returned for the follow-up, hope flickered as the ultrasound revealed a heartbeat. Against all odds, our daughter, whom we named Lily, had somehow persevered. The relief was palpable, but we were warned to remain cautiously optimistic. As the weeks passed, her heartbeat grew stronger, filling us with hope.
But then, our world shattered again. On November 13, we saw a specialist who delivered devastating news: Lily was in a precarious position in Lisa’s uterus, and the doctor suggested that immediate termination was necessary for Lisa’s safety. It was a whirlwind of joy and despair.
Later that week, during dinner, Lisa excused herself, and within moments, I heard her cry out in distress. We rushed to the emergency room, where, unfortunately, we learned that Lily’s heartbeat had ceased. The realization of our loss was unbearable, plunging us into an abyss of grief.
In the aftermath, we faced the reality of scheduling surgery. I had to leave Lisa in the hospital to tend to our other child at home. The next day, as we sat in silence, our emotions swirling around us, we were thrust into a nightmare we never anticipated. At 2:45 PM on November 16, 2017, our daughter was born—not as we had hoped, but she was here nonetheless. The only thing we could offer her was a small casket we built together.
Navigating Grief Together
As I continue to process this loss, I’ve learned valuable lessons about how to support my partner during such an incredibly challenging time. Here are my reflections:
- Allow Time to Grieve
It’s crucial to let emotions flow. Both you and your partner need to grieve together. It’s an overwhelming experience that deserves acknowledgment. - Provide Reassurance
Miscarriage can lead to self-blame. Remind each other that it’s nobody’s fault. You both offered love and support, and the circumstances are beyond anyone’s control. - Love Unconditionally
During this emotional rollercoaster, be a steadfast source of love. Affirm your commitment to one another, even when times are tough. - Honor and Remember
Celebrate the short life of your child. Whether through commemorative gestures or personal rituals, find a way to honor their existence. - Prepare for Unwanted Advice
People often mean well but can say the wrong thing. Be prepared to shield your partner from unhelpful comments. - Consider Counseling
Professional help can provide guidance as you navigate your grief. This isn’t a sign of weakness but a proactive step toward healing. - Commit for the Long Term
Understand that this loss will affect your lives for years. Choose to be there for each other, no matter how long it takes to heal.
For more on navigating fertility and loss, you can read about couples’ fertility journeys in one of our other blog posts. Additionally, if you’re looking for expert advice on managing symptoms related to fertility, the PCOS Fitness Handbook is an excellent resource. For comprehensive information on pregnancy and home insemination, consider this resource.
Summary
Navigating the loss of a child is an unimaginable journey filled with pain, uncertainty, and profound lessons. As a father, I’ve learned the importance of allowing time for grief, providing reassurance, and celebrating the brief life of our child. Together, my partner and I have sought to support each other through this harrowing experience.