Let’s face it: we often make excuses for our partners, especially when it comes to their flaws. “But they’re a great parent!” “They help around the house!” “They get along with my family and provide for us!” You might even insist, “Apart from their racism, they’re genuinely kind!” They might donate to animal shelters, attend church regularly, or volunteer for charitable causes. However, at the end of the day, they hold racist beliefs. This fundamentally means they view people of color as less than white individuals. If you can recognize this truth, it’s time to consider leaving your racist partner.
A close friend of mine, Alex, recently told me about someone he had been interested in for a long time. This guy was charming and attractive, seemingly perfect in many respects—except for one major issue: “He’s racist.” My response? “That’s a dealbreaker.”
“Wait, what?” Alex replied, taken aback.
“Seriously, you need to let him go. You’re part of a marginalized group yourself. You shouldn’t be close to someone who holds these views,” I insisted.
Your Partner Isn’t Just ‘A Little Bit’ Racist
The idea that “everyone’s a little bit racist sometimes” is a popular refrain, but it’s misleading. Yes, many of us may recognize that society carries inherent inequalities, and we can all harbor biases. However, your partner may be stuck in an echo chamber of harmful beliefs, clinging to slogans like “ALL LIVES MATTER” or “I’m colorblind.” Whether they display symbols of hate or harbor insidious beliefs, they show a refusal to engage in the necessary self-reflection and hard work required to confront their own racism.
A true partner should uplift and support you, not drag you back into the mire of white privilege. You need allies in your journey toward understanding and combating systemic racism, not someone who will hold you back.
Consider the Impact on Your Children
If you have children, this is even more critical. Growing up with conflicting messages about racial justice can be damaging. One parent might advocate for understanding and empathy, while the other perpetuates harmful stereotypes. Which viewpoint will your children internalize?
Think about your own upbringing. I grew up in a household where the values of equality were undermined by derogatory remarks and a lack of understanding. It took years of unlearning and growth for me to challenge those ingrained beliefs. For your children’s sake, you must remove the toxic influence of a racist partner from their lives. You can’t teach them about diversity and equity if someone at home is spreading harmful ideologies.
Does Your Partner Acknowledge Their Racism?
Not all individuals who express problematic views are outright racist; some may not even realize the implications of their actions. When discussing issues like “All Lives Matter,” they may genuinely be unaware of their racism. A patient, honest conversation about privilege and societal inequality could lead to growth. Do they have friends who are people of color? Can you use real examples to help them understand?
If you truly believe your partner is worth the effort to change, then it’s on you to help guide them toward a better understanding. But if they resist, it’s time to let them go.
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Summary
In a relationship, a partner should be supportive and understanding. If you discover that your significant other holds racist beliefs, it’s crucial to reconsider the relationship, especially if you have children. Their views can negatively influence your family dynamic and your children’s understanding of diversity and equity. Engaging in difficult conversations about racism is essential, but if your partner is unwilling to change, it may be time to move on.