Published: August 22, 2016
When my son was a small child, he had a knack for showering everyone with big, wet kisses on the mouth, cheek, or even the top of my head. He was a true affection enthusiast, and I cherished every moment. I adored the feeling of his tiny lips on mine as he exclaimed, “One more kiss, Mom! Just one more!” He didn’t discriminate—he kissed relatives, friends, toys, and even pets, and I couldn’t get enough of it.
As he grew older and entered elementary school, those exuberant kisses morphed into hugs, which felt like a natural progression. Children eventually learn that it’s not appropriate to kiss their teachers on the lips at the age of 6. So, he became a hugger. I was happy with this change since he still gave me sweet pecks on the lips at bedtime and sometimes during the day. His kisses became more refined, with less drool as he mastered his technique.
However, I’ve recently noticed that our kisses have dwindled to just cheek kisses. I found myself not liking this shift, prompting me to call him over for a “real kiss.” Yet, he would only kiss my cheek or the top of my head goodnight.
Initially, I thought it was just a phase—maybe he felt awkward about kissing me goodnight. After all, he was growing up fast. But then I realized that he was also shying away from hugging others. Friends would visit, and I would encourage him to hug them, only to hear him say, “It’s nice to see you,” without any follow-up hug. “Come on! Give Mr. Johnson a hug!” I would insist, and he would comply reluctantly.
For a time, I perceived his behavior as rude. I approached it like when children neglect to say “please” and need a gentle reminder. But then, I had an epiphany: I am a hugger. I embrace everyone, including strangers I meet in the aisles of the supermarket. I still greet my own parents with a kiss—it’s simply how I was raised. Yet, that doesn’t mean my son should share the same inclination.
While we share numerous traits, maybe he is just not comfortable with hugging. Perhaps closeness is a boundary he prefers not to cross. This realization reminded me of a recent trip to visit my best friend’s wedding.
Upon arriving in town, I ran to greet the Maid of Honor, whom I hadn’t seen in ages. I enveloped her in a hug, and she responded, “Oh, right! You’re a hugger!” It dawned on me that not everyone feels the same way about physical affection, and I might have overstepped my bounds.
Understanding how to interpret boundaries is often easier with adults than children. Connecting the dots between my son’s behavior and my own preferences, I realized he values his personal space. He is not comfortable with my directing who he hugs or when.
To address this, I decided to have a heart-to-heart. A couple of nights ago, I invited him into my room for an open conversation. I told him there were no wrong answers to my question. He obliged and settled beside me. “Are you comfortable giving hugs and kisses to people?” I asked.
He hesitated, unsure of how to respond. I assured him that this was purely about his feelings. “Well, sometimes I want to hug people, but with others, I don’t feel like it. Is that mean?” he asked, and my heart sank. His question stemmed from my past insistence on greeting people with hugs.
Listening intently, I responded, “I want you to hear me clearly: every time I made you hug someone, that was wrong of me. I apologize.” His eyes widened with surprise. “Your body is your own, and so is your personal space. No one can dictate who touches you, except you.”
He interjected, “But what if I see someone hugging and I don’t want to join in? Does that make me mean?”
“Not at all,” I said firmly. “It means you have your own boundaries, and it’s essential for everyone to respect those. If you want to hug someone, it’s perfectly fine to ask first, just like when they ask you, ‘Can I have a hug?’ You can always say ‘no’ if you’re not comfortable.”
We talked for a while longer, and I emphasized that he has autonomy over his own body. I reassured him that while we may share many similarities, it’s perfectly acceptable for us to have different comfort levels with physical touch. I also discussed how to express discomfort and seek help when someone doesn’t respect his boundaries.
Honestly, I had never considered that he might not feel the same way about hugging friends as I do. It was crucial for him to understand he can assertively say “no” to anything that makes him uncomfortable, and that he ultimately owns his body, not anyone else.
Parenting is a fascinating journey. Many people comment on how much my son resembles me, from his personality to his quirks. However, this was a valuable lesson in recognizing that our children aren’t always mini versions of us—no matter how much it may seem that way. It’s vital for us to learn from their signals.
I often preach about respecting others’ choices and refraining from judgment, yet I was blind to the fact that I wasn’t respecting my child’s autonomy. From now on, when I greet someone with a hug, my son understands that he doesn’t have to follow suit; a warm handshake or a friendly verbal acknowledgment is perfectly acceptable.
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In summary, respecting a child’s boundaries is essential for their emotional well-being. Understanding their comfort levels and allowing them to express their preferences fosters a healthy relationship and encourages their autonomy.