I often wonder if other parents take the time to apologize to their kids, but I find myself saying sorry to my 4-year-old daughter nearly every day. Why? Because I’m human, and I make my share of mistakes. She’s human too, and when she falters, I want her instinct to be to acknowledge it and apologize.
Here are the essential steps I follow:
- Make Mistakes. Everyone messes up from time to time, and my slip-ups usually arise from misunderstandings or moments when I haven’t listened well. Sometimes, they’re more significant, like when I’ve been preoccupied and haven’t given her the attention she deserves. When that happens, I need to own it and apologize for her not having the best day because of my distractions.
- Offer a Genuine Apology. I don’t just toss out a casual “sorry” while I’m busy; instead, I engage in an eye-to-eye conversation. I explain what specifically I’m apologizing for and why it matters. This not only teaches her to reflect on her actions but also helps her understand the difference between right and wrong. For instance, I might say, “I’m sorry I didn’t listen when you were talking. I should have been more attentive.” This approach conveys that I recognize my mistake, understand its implications, and validate her feelings about the situation.
- Know How to Move Forward. After apologizing, we can hug it out and either rectify the mistake—like asking her to repeat herself—or simply let it go if enough time has passed.
This method has been effective for us. My daughter feels comfortable approaching us when she makes a mistake and expresses her apologies sincerely. We maintain boundaries, and she understands that we address her misbehavior. However, she feels safe coming to me to discuss her mistakes.
Just this morning, she approached me with tear-filled eyes and said, “Mommy, I’m sorry.” When I asked for what, she explained, “I spilled my breakfast. I wasn’t supposed to be up playing, but I did, and I spilled it.” I hugged her, reassured her that it was okay, and reminded her to sit while eating. She smiled and returned to finish her breakfast with her dad.
Imagine if this scenario unfolded between two adults. One spills food and apologizes. The other could either offer helpful advice or blow up and criticize the first person for their carelessness. The response often hinges on how we treat our children.
One thing to consider is how my daughter approaches me for apologies. My partner, Mark, tends to be more authoritarian and less inclined to offer apologies unless he has clearly hurt her feelings. He often reacts immediately, pointing out her mistakes without taking the time to discuss them. As a result, my daughter is more likely to come to me with her apologies, expecting my understanding and compassion. She tends to be more forgiving with me, while she is more critical of Mark when he slips up.
Our children reflect the treatment they receive. If you want a child who acknowledges their faults and strives to improve, embody that behavior as a parent. Conversely, if you model anger and blame, that’s the behavior they’re likely to exhibit.
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Summary:
Apologizing to my child not only helps me acknowledge my mistakes, but it also teaches her the importance of owning up to her actions. By maintaining open communication and modeling accountability, I’m fostering an environment where she feels safe to express herself and learn from her errors. This approach positively shapes her understanding of right and wrong while reinforcing our bond.