Before the pandemic, my partner and I had a pretty peaceful relationship over our two decades together. Married for fourteen of those years, life in the suburbs with our four children was a satisfactory blend of joy and routine. However, since the pandemic hit (though to be fair, my partner worked from home long before lockdowns), we’ve found ourselves in the midst of intense arguments every few weeks.
Now, while some couples might consider this normal, it’s a stark change for us. Not that I’m shy about expressing myself; I can be quite the dramatic one. But my partner is usually laid-back and easygoing.
You might be curious why my partner has suddenly started sharing his thoughts and feelings more openly (and honestly, they often don’t align with mine). After years of me overshadowing his desires, he’s finally standing up for what he wants — and frankly, it’s unsettling for me.
Sure, I’m thrilled that he’s discovering his own opinions and aspirations. But why does this newfound confidence have to come at my expense? I prefer keeping conversations light, so why can’t he do the same? Isn’t that what friends are for? (Oh right, he doesn’t have many.)
The Secret to Our Dynamic
Part of what has kept our relationship afloat for twenty years is my tendency to voice my opinions while he quietly listens. Whenever he tried to share his thoughts, it often led to disagreements, causing him to retreat into silence. So, he stopped voicing his opinions — not that he had many to begin with.
You may be thinking, didn’t I just imply I don’t communicate much? Well, yes, but it’s all about perspective. I generally prefer not to know what he thinks because when I do, I’m usually left feeling disappointed or annoyed. It’s hard to digest the idea that he has opinions that clash with mine.
It might sound selfish, but it’s true: I often wish I didn’t have to confront his thoughts, especially if I perceive them to be misguided. And I’m sure he feels the same about my opinions. It’s a strange dynamic where I think he’s too polite to express his frustrations about my views.
For a long time, he didn’t care enough to form strong opinions, allowing me to take the lead on decisions. But when he did express a preference, I would often yield to him out of respect for his infrequent input. It worked well until it didn’t.
In the past year, my partner has entered a midlife phase where he’s finally articulating his desires. While he may have been indifferent during my own midlife changes, I’m now faced with his vocal disagreements. I should be thankful he’s finding his voice, but why must he share it with me?
Is it a good thing?
I suppose it is. I wouldn’t dream of telling my partner that his feelings don’t count, but I’m not exactly thrilled with how he chooses to express them. I’m glad he’s figuring out what he wants and cares about, but I wish he wouldn’t feel the need to let me know about every opinion he has.
I believe that others’ opinions about you are none of your business, so why does he insist on sharing his thoughts with me? I get it — we’re responsible for each other, but still?
Eventually, I hope to mature past my defensiveness and realize that my partner’s feelings can coexist with my own. We can both express our feelings without hurting one another. If we manage to stay married (which seems likely given how inertia works), this growth could benefit us both in the long run. It’s an opportunity for my partner to embrace his voice and pursue what he desires, even if it diverges from my own aspirations.
For more insights, check out this interesting post about navigating relationships in changing times.