A few days ago, I embarked on an epic quest, visiting not just one or two but three different stores in search of my beloved Equal sweetener packets for my daily coffee fix. To my utter dismay, every last one of them had empty shelves and no backup stock. (Trust me, I asked.) This can only mean one thing: my friends, we are living in the end times!
In a panic, I quickly ordered two huge boxes from Amazon—thank the coffee gods for Prime shipping! I shared this crucial update on social media, alerting my friends that we were facing a sugar crisis. How on earth would we get through this?
It didn’t take long for my well-intentioned pals to chime in with their suggestions for alternatives to what they deemed my unhealthy obsession with artificial sweeteners. “Just use real sugar!” some shouted across the internet. Raw sugar, cane sugar, coconut sugar—the list goes on! Who knew there were so many types? Sure, I understand the allure of natural sugar, but with my daily coffee consumption hovering around 10 cups (no joke), I’d need to spend countless hours at the gym to burn off all that extra sugar. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
Besides, the latest USDA guidelines suggest a limit of just 10 teaspoons of sugar a day, which wouldn’t even cover my morning coffee needs. On the flip side, I can safely consume up to 75 packets of Equal! That’s right—75! Take that, sugar police.
Of course, I was warned about the dangers of artificial sweeteners. My response? FAKE NEWS. Numerous studies have debunked those poorly conducted animal tests and dubious PR campaigns that wrongly connected artificial sweeteners to health issues.
Even if these sweeteners were harmful, I’m willing to take the risk. A life devoid of coffee and my two packets of Equal is simply not a life worth living.
Here’s the truth: I’ve sampled the so-called alternatives. Sweet’N Low? Tastes like a chemical disaster and gives me a weird buzzing sensation. Agave nectar? Too complicated for my taste. As for Stevia? Let’s just say I’d rather not. One friend, who can’t have sugar for medical reasons, swears by Splenda. Good for you, but I’ll stick to my blue Equal packets, thank you very much.
To my dear friends: you’ll have to wrestle my sweetener from my tightly clenched fists. I’m not giving it up without a fight. Sure, I may have conquered a minor addiction to fake butter spray, but I’m not ready to part with my sweetener. I’m 40 years old, and I’m not about to change my ways now!
Let’s face it: the world can be a tough place filled with sadness and frustration. Fake sugar brings me happiness—specifically, Equal sweetener. You can keep your dubious pink packets. Coffee fuels my day, and without a hint of sweetness, it turns into bitter sludge. So please, just let me enjoy my sweetener and spare me the lectures.
After a spirited debate online, it’s clear everyone has their own favorite sweetener brand and thinks theirs is the best. Who knew? We may have to agree to disagree: you stick with your Sweet’N Low, and I’ll stick to my cherished Equal.
And if you want to engage in a debate about fake creamer, well, that’s an entirely different matter!
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In summary, my love for equal sweetener is unwavering, and while others may have their preferences, my choice is clear. Sweetener brings me joy, and I refuse to give it up.