In 2015, I welcomed twin daughters into the world, and their personalities couldn’t be more different. Both are delightful, compassionate, and self-aware little girls nearing their sixth birthday. One mirrors my traits, while the other embodies my partner’s qualities. Mia is the “my way or the highway” type, while Zoe is the ultimate peacemaker on the playground, always ready to include everyone and lend a helping hand. She’s the one who brings a bandaid to her friends and walks them to the nurse when they’re hurt. I admire both of them for their unique traits and strive to equip them with the tools to be kind-hearted yet assertive individuals.
My partner is a no-nonsense woman—a quality I’ve learned to appreciate more over time. I watch her navigate the world with confidence, stating her needs clearly whenever necessary. Personally, I’ve had to work on my ability to assert myself. The most valuable lesson I’ve gleaned is the importance of saying no, and this is something I am definitely passing on to my daughters. “No” is a complete sentence, and it’s crucial for them to understand its power.
Despite this lesson, they express “no” in very different ways. Zoe might say, “That’s a good idea, but let’s explore other options,” while Mia will simply declare “no” and walk away, leaving everyone wondering about alternatives. Both approaches are valid. Just because one is more straightforward while the other is more diplomatic doesn’t diminish their kindness. The world needs both types of communicators, and they can learn from each other’s styles.
We can read countless articles on nurturing kindness in our children, but it’s essential to meet them on their individual journeys. Being kind doesn’t mean sacrificing your own boundaries for others. Yes, how we communicate matters, and our actions speak volumes. However, there’s space for both the “take-no-shit” type of kindness and the gentle, nurturing approach.
Research from the American Psychological Association reveals that children are naturally inclined to care and show empathy. It’s now understood that kids can display concern for others from a very young age; they want to help when they see someone in distress. There are children who are inherently kind, sometimes to their own detriment (like my Zoe), and those who can advocate for themselves while still being compassionate. Our goal should be to teach them that they can do both.
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In summary, it’s crucial to cultivate both kindness and assertiveness in our children. Each child will express their understanding of these concepts differently, and we must support and guide them in finding their own balance in navigating social interactions.