Part of my daily routine after sending the kids off to school involves shutting my daughter’s bedroom door. Each time I glance inside, it triggers a wave of frustration. Clothes are scattered across the floor, and her desk is cluttered with papers. I often find myself sighing and thinking, “What’s her deal? Is it really that hard to toss the clothes in the hamper?” This recurrent thought leaves me in a sour mood.
However, as I turn to my own room, I immediately recognize my double standard. My pajamas are also strewn on the floor, and I recall how messy my own room used to be. It often resembled a clothing store explosion.
I grapple with perfectionism, which often rears its head in my parenting. Rebecca Lane, a parenting author, once said, “Children are frequently punished for merely being human. They aren’t permitted to have bad moods, tough days, or moments of disrespect, while we adults have these experiences regularly. We need to stop holding our children to a higher standard of perfection than we ourselves can achieve.”
Guilty as charged. How often have I woken up feeling grumpy? My tone can be sharp, and I can be irritable without any valid reason behind it. Yet, I feel entitled to my emotions because I’m the adult, right? But are we offering our kids the same understanding?
I’m genuinely trying to do better, but it’s not always easy. Often, when children act out or throw tantrums, there’s usually an underlying issue causing their behavior. It’s my responsibility to uncover that root problem. It might be a rough night’s sleep, bullying at school, or, perhaps, they just woke up in a bad mood for no apparent reason. After all, our kids are human too.
We sometimes forget this and instead respond with punishment, raised voices, or withdrawal, especially when dealing with the challenging emotions that come with parenting tweens and teens.
Looking at my little ones, I sometimes see overwhelming neediness and forget that it’s a natural part of being human. They’re not trying to make my life difficult; they’re navigating their own paths and simply need my support. And honestly? I’m needy too. If there were a title for the queen of neediness, I’d probably wear that crown.
Recently, I’ve been telling my kids they’re allowed to feel angry or upset with me but that they must express those feelings appropriately. They can retreat to their room to cool off or scream into a pillow, and then we can discuss whatever is bothering them when they’re ready. I strive to model this behavior myself.
Differentiating between punishing human emotions and unacceptable behavior can be exhausting. Family life is filled with intense emotions. Add a three-year-old’s foot-stomping, a preteen’s eye rolls, and a moody teenager, and it’s enough to test any mom’s patience.
It’s essential to remember that these small humans we’re raising are just that—humans. They deserve compassion and understanding for their big feelings, and punishing them for feeling upset isn’t always the right approach.
Here are some strategies I use to keep myself grounded:
- Consider if there’s something deeper affecting my child.
- Ask my kids if there’s an issue bothering them.
- Reflect on how I would feel if reprimanded the same way.
- Examine whether I’ve exhibited similar behavior and would face punishment for it.
One day, my daughter came home from school feeling angry and upset. My initial reaction was to feel frustrated with her mood, wishing she wouldn’t ruin my day. I even thought about sending her to her room indefinitely to escape her emotional storm. But then I realized what she truly needed was my presence.
I paused, sat with her on the couch, and even though she didn’t say much, I could see her breathing stabilize and her expression calm as she gazed out the window. What she needed was simply me—my time and attention.
Ultimately, there’s no universal solution, but we must remember that our children are human beings too. If we can lower our expectations of their perfection, our families may find a greater sense of happiness and connection.
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In summary, we must remember that our children are not perfect and should not be held to unattainable standards. By offering them understanding and compassion, we can foster a more positive environment for our families.