It’s 7:58 a.m., and the frantic morning rush to school has finally come to an end. I return to the kitchen to take stock of the chaos: coffee rings, splattered milk, various crumbs, and smeared peanut butter adorn the counter. Soggy cereal drifts in one bowl while a layer of hardened oatmeal clings to another. Meanwhile, our dog eagerly tries to snag a bite of the leftover scrambled eggs abandoned by my youngest. In the midst of it all lies my teenager’s forgotten lunch.
I shoot my daughter a quick text:
“Hey, you left your lunch.”
“Oops, my bad! Can you bring it?”
I glance at my schedule and reassure her that I’ll drop it off at the front desk shortly. “Thanks, Mom!” she replies, and I respond with a heart emoji before tackling the mess in the kitchen.
Despite the unexpected detour to her school, I’m more than happy to help my teenager out. But I often hear the warnings: if I keep rescuing her from her slip-ups, she won’t learn how to navigate adulthood.
Frankly, that’s nonsense. I’m exhausted by the advice about how my actions are sabotaging my teen’s transition into adulthood. If I’m too much of a “friend,” I’m supposedly neglecting my role as a parent who enforces boundaries. When I do her laundry, I’m accused of depriving her of essential life skills. And forgetting her lunch? What kind of lesson is she learning if I swoop in to save the day, they say.
I don’t buy into the idea that the only way to prepare our teens for the real world is through tough love. I understand the intention behind it—teaching kids to face the consequences of their actions—but I don’t believe this method is the only path to raising responsible adults. Forcing my daughter to go without lunch sends the message that I’m unavailable to support her when she needs it, and that’s not the approach I want to take.
Of course, I recognize the importance of self-sufficiency and responsibility. Young adults need to master basic skills like managing their time, feeding themselves, and taking care of their personal hygiene. But let’s also consider the daily grind of being a teenager. My daughter juggles a long school day, sports practices, and a mountain of homework. With technology keeping her connected to both school and friends, she often turns off her phone early to recharge.
Before you think my teen is perfect, let me assure you she’s just as sassy and demanding as the next kid. She grumbles if her soccer jersey isn’t clean for the next game or if her favorite cereal runs out. In those moments, I remind her that she’s fully capable of sorting laundry and pressing a few buttons on the washing machine.
We don’t do our older kids any favors by constantly smoothing their paths. Overcoming challenges is how they discover their strengths and learn to improve. That said, I also want my kids to understand that seeking help is okay. My goal is to raise not just competent adults, but caring individuals who feel supported.
I see offering help as a chance to model kindness—qualities I want my daughter to embrace. Being an adult involves knowing when to take responsibility and when to ask for assistance. Supporting my teen fosters her confidence and cultivates empathy, which are essential traits in today’s world.
Being a teenager is already tough enough. So yes, sweetheart, I’m glad to bring your forgotten lunch today. Just don’t forget to do the laundry when you get home!
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In summary, while it’s essential to teach our teens responsibility and self-sufficiency, it’s equally important to show them that it’s okay to ask for help. Balancing these lessons can foster a supportive environment that helps them thrive.