I once thought of myself as pretty cool—though that’s a bit relative considering I hailed from a small tourist town in the Black Hills of South Dakota. I was in the know about local trends, that’s for sure. Safety pins adorning my jeans? Check. Mountain Dew for lunch every day? Absolutely. The Indigo Girls on repeat? You bet. I rocked my Polo shirts, bodysuits, embellished jean jackets, and even sported some impressive bangs and fringe boots. I was undeniably part of the cool crowd.
Fast forward a decade, and the realization that I’ll never grasp what’s considered cool again has hit me hard. I can’t even wrap my head around the fact that ’80s fashion, which I once embraced, is making a comeback. I see it, I recognize it, but I simply can’t go back—nor do I think anyone wants me to.
Here’s a rundown of things I’m just not cool enough for anymore:
All the Wild Trends Surrounding Women’s Health
From vajazzling to vaginal steaming and even jade egg insertion, the ever-evolving world of trendy female health practices leaves me bewildered. My lady bits are perfectly content as they are, thank you very much. Keep your glue sticks and rhinestones away from me!
Top 40 Music
Thanks to Pandora, I’ve curated a playlist that leans heavily towards chill tunes, meaning my kids will grow up thinking the radio only plays lullabies. Spotify seems to hold a cooler reputation, but I’m happy with my cozy, sleepy vibes. If I attempt to listen to hip-hop, I feel like I’ve aged a century. “Do they really say that?” I find myself asking, feeling utterly out of touch.
The Latest Slang
Oh dear, I just used the word “lingo.” Only grandmas say that, right? I sound silly, but at least I’m not trying to throw around terms like “lit” or “hype.” I remember cringing when my mom first started using “awesome,” and now it feels as outdated as a flip phone.
Technology Trends
Snapchat? Forget it. I’ve managed to keep up with Facebook (which is so last decade), Instagram, and Twitter, but that’s my limit. I’m not venturing into Reddit, Tumblr, or Vine territory. No way, no how.
Tattoos on My Arms
While I’ve considered arm tattoos, the fact that I’m searching Pinterest for ideas suggests I’m not exactly the trendsetter I once was.
Ironic Glasses
I’m nearing the age where reading glasses are becoming a necessity, and I’ll probably end up leaving them scattered like my distant relatives.
Understanding Trends like Dabbing or Planking
I’m lost. I just don’t get it, and I likely never will. Moving on.
Makeup Techniques
Watching makeup tutorials and mastering contouring like a Kardashian? That’s a whole new world I can’t grasp. My makeup routine is limited to foundation and eyeliner, with mascara and lip gloss on fancy days. Just watching others apply makeup overwhelms me.
Instagram OOTD Posts
When I first encountered “OOTD,” I had to Google it to understand its meaning—definitely a sign that I’m out of touch. Trust me, nobody wants to see my black leggings and oversized sweatshirt day after day.
Everything Else
There’s a plethora of trends I’m oblivious to, and it’s probably a long list.
I’ve come to accept my “uncool” status. I’m ready to pass the baton to my kids, who will inevitably cringe at my attempts to use their slang. That should be entertaining. However, in my quest for what’s considered cool, I did learn that online shopping and binge-watching Netflix are still in vogue—so I’ve got some points for that!
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Summary
In a humorous reflection on aging and trends, the author recounts their journey from being a once-cool kid to feeling completely out of touch with modern culture. They hilariously detail their inability to keep up with the latest fads, music, slang, and technology while coming to terms with their newfound “uncool” status.