Scrolling through social media recently, I came across a post featuring some friends enjoying a leisurely afternoon together. I wasn’t part of that gathering. Even though I tried to convince myself that my absence made sense—given my closer ties with one friend and only casual connections with the others—the sting of exclusion was undeniable. It reminded me of those high school days when I would learn about popular parties I wasn’t invited to, a painful nostalgia that went beyond mere FOMO.
Before social media dominated our lives, high school angst could be left behind as we transitioned into adulthood. We matured, realizing that the “in-crowd” was just as confused and insecure as the rest of us. Yet, it appears that the shadow of popularity continues to loom large. In today’s world, social media makes it challenging to escape those high school dynamics, leading many of us to feel perpetually trapped in a cycle of status-seeking.
However, popularity isn’t entirely detrimental, according to experts. Mitch Bennett, the author of Popularity: The Power of Likability in a Status-Obsessed World, distinguishes between two types of popularity: status-driven and relational. Many of us mistakenly chase the former, which can lead to anxiety and unhealthy behaviors. In contrast, those who cultivate relationships based on likability often enjoy healthier connections and more satisfying lives. Pursuing status through likes, flashy possessions, or power often harms relationships rather than enhancing them.
In the age of Instagram and TikTok, the learning curve about the true meaning of popularity seems to be prolonged. We’re not just navigating teenage feelings but are instead in a continuous cycle of seeking validation through social media. This phenomenon seems to disproportionately affect women. Bennett notes that girls often look up to aggressive, high-status figures, which can create unrealistic and damaging standards they may carry with them into adulthood.
How to Navigate the Landscape
So, how can we assist ourselves and future generations in navigating this landscape without it turning into a real-life version of Mean Girls? It all starts at home. Bennett suggests that parents should focus on instilling qualities like kindness, empathy, and strong friendship connections in their children, rather than emphasizing status indicators such as athletic prowess or social media popularity.
The “right” kind of popularity is about forming genuine relationships, where the quality of connections reigns over quantity. A child’s likability should stem from their character and how they treat others—not from their possessions or follower counts.
Moreover, we must recognize the profound impact that feelings of exclusion can have on our well-being. These aren’t just fleeting feelings; they can affect us on a biological level, potentially altering our DNA and influencing future generations.
For adults, Bennett recommends letting go of the emotional baggage from our high school days. Yes, it’s tough, but it’s crucial to move on and forgive past hurts. We won’t be the favorite of everyone, and that’s perfectly fine. Personally, I’ve found that nurturing a few deep, meaningful friendships is far more rewarding than maintaining a vast network of acquaintances. Real-life connections are far more fulfilling than the fleeting validation of social media likes.
And let’s face it: many of us would prefer a cozy night in with our loved ones over mingling at a crowded gathering. Instead of obsessing over social media, we should cherish our experiences—eating a great meal without feeling the need to post, celebrating our kids’ achievements without broadcasting every detail, and acknowledging those feelings of exclusion without letting them consume us.
Life may always echo the complexities of high school, but we can navigate it with the understanding that we’re all just trying to figure it out, together. And that’s worth more than any number of likes or flashy cars.
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Summary
Adult life often mirrors the social dynamics of high school, primarily due to the influence of social media and the pursuit of status. While popularity can be beneficial when rooted in strong relationships, it can also lead to anxiety and unhealthy behaviors when driven by status. To navigate this landscape, it’s essential to focus on the quality of relationships rather than quantity and to let go of past emotional baggage.