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It’s Acceptable to Skip Family Dinners, and Here’s Why
by Clara Thompson
March 7, 2023
At 4:50 p.m. on a Wednesday, the atmosphere in my home is anything but tranquil. I am hurriedly attempting to prepare dinner when my toddler, who is just a year old, is constantly underfoot, creating a chaotic scene as she clings to my legs. Meanwhile, my 5-year-old is lamenting his hunger, despite having snacked just an hour ago and already having a smoothie waiting for him at the table.
I drop their meals onto the table with a mix of frustration and exhaustion, akin to a harried waitress at a retro diner. However, I know I won’t be sitting down to join them tonight. Although I might collapse into the chair next to my son for a brief moment, I’ll soon be up again to clean milk spills and pick up food hurled by my youngest.
My partner won’t be joining us either, as his job in Silicon Valley involves long hours and a lengthy commute. Thus, once again, we find ourselves not sharing a family dinner. Despite the quality time my husband and I spend with our children, I still experience guilt when I come across articles that highlight the importance of family dinners for fostering connection.
We are not the only family skipping dinner tonight, and many others share the same feelings of guilt. However, a 2012 study from the University of Minnesota can help ease that burden. Researchers found that it wasn’t the act of having a family dinner itself that resulted in the commonly cited benefits—such as lower obesity rates and improved academic performance—but rather that families who share meals tend to have various traits that contribute to positive child outcomes. According to the report, families that gather for dinner often have more time and resources, and they are more likely to have a stay-at-home parent compared to those who do not share meals regularly.
Unlike prior studies on family mealtimes, this research utilized data from the National Longitudinal Survey of Adolescent Health, which involved asking both parents and children about their experiences over different stages of childhood. The researchers discovered that people often confuse correlation with causation; just because families that eat together have children with favorable outcomes doesn’t mean the dinners are the cause. This reasoning parallels recent findings that suggest the benefits of breastfeeding might also be overstated, as breastfed infants often belong to families with more resources, which may be the true source of their health advantages.
Bruce Feiler, a columnist for the New York Times and author of “The Secrets of Happy Families,” posits that it’s not the family dinner itself that leads to these benefits, but rather the quality time spent together, regardless of the setting. In his investigation of family conversations at mealtimes, he discovered that actual engaging dialogue only takes about 10 minutes, with the rest of the time consumed by reminders to behave and passing food around.
So, if regular family dinners are unfeasible for your family, as they are for mine, there’s no reason to feel guilty. Ann Meier, a co-author of the University of Minnesota study, reassures us that while family meals can be a nice context for nurturing good parenting, families can connect in various other ways. Feiler echoes this sentiment, suggesting that families unable to dine together nightly can simply shift their quality time to other moments throughout the day.
How can your busy family set aside 15-30 minutes daily to connect? Here are five alternatives to the conventional family dinner:
- Family Breakfast
This is one of the suggestions Feiler made, and it seems very doable for families with early-rising kids. One mother I spoke to shared that they only have family dinners 1-3 times a week, but they gather for breakfast every morning, which suits their schedule perfectly. - Video Chats
With my children’s new bedtime of 7 p.m., I’ve started incorporating evening video calls with their dad through apps like Houseparty. This allows my son to share his day’s adventures at kindergarten while my toddler excitedly greets her dad. Such virtual interactions are especially beneficial for families with parents who travel or work irregular hours. - Playtime
Instead of focusing on mealtime for quality interactions, many families find that playtime fosters stronger connections. Engaging in activities like games or simple bonding rituals can often create deeper conversations than those held at the dinner table. - Weekly Rituals
Establishing special traditions, such as Sunday dinners or family game nights, can enhance bonding. Inviting kids to help cook or prepare meals can make these times even more enjoyable. - Driving Time
Those hours spent in the car can be prime opportunities for family discussions. Whether you’re driving to after-school activities or weekend outings, these moments can lead to significant conversations.
One note about teenagers: the aforementioned study indicated that regular family meals were linked to fewer depressive symptoms among adolescents. This suggests that for teenagers, mealtime can be a valuable opportunity for parents to check in on their emotional health.
Regardless of your children’s ages, aim to carve out at least 10-15 minutes each day to engage meaningfully with them. Set aside distractions, and see what unfolds.
For more on navigating parenting and family dynamics, check out our other blog posts, like the one on the home insemination kit. Additionally, if you are interested in understanding potential childhood injuries, this resource is highly informative. For those considering assisted reproduction, this guide offers excellent insights.
In summary, while family dinners are often touted as essential for nurturing strong family bonds, there are numerous alternative ways to foster connection without the pressure of nightly meals. Engaging in meaningful interactions, whether through breakfast, play, or driving time, can yield similar benefits without the guilt of skipping dinner.