A recent article in the New York Times critiques the idea that children must discover a singular “passion.” The piece highlights the pressure placed on kids by the college admissions process and gently admonishes overly ambitious parents. These are the moms and dads who choose an activity—be it playing the trumpet or scoring goals in soccer—and declare to their kids, “You’re going to excel at this,” regardless of whether little Jamie wants to channel their inner Beyoncé or Lionel Messi.
Indeed, parents are misstepping once again. The author of the Times piece, Emma Caldwell, suggests that the frenzy of college applications drives these pushy behaviors. Once upon a time, colleges sought well-rounded students—those who dabbled in various pursuits: academics, athletics, volunteering, music, and more. Nowadays, institutions are looking for students who have identified and committed to their lifelong passion even before entering high school.
Reflecting on my own experience, I realize my passions took their time to unfold. As a middle schooler, I was more interested in getting lost in books than in any structured activity. High school saw me retreating to my room with my favorite records. It wasn’t until my mid-20s that I discovered my love for writing, and figure skating didn’t capture my heart until my 40s.
I agree with Caldwell that it’s detrimental for parents to select a passion for their children. However, there’s a caveat.
Sometimes, a gentle nudge is perfectly acceptable.
If my child isn’t destined for a sports scholarship, that’s perfectly fine. I’m not enrolling them in Little League because I believe they’ll become the next sports superstar; I’m doing it because physical activity is essential in our household. Children could certainly ride bikes or climb trees for exercise, but adults know that solo activities often require a level of motivation that kids might lack. Joining a soccer team, for instance, means committing to a group, which can be a great driver for getting them out of the house and staying active.
Want to try scouting? How about joining a band? There are community service opportunities available too. Yes, group activities can be challenging, but learning to collaborate with others is a crucial life skill. Instead of viewing group involvement as merely a résumé booster, recognize it as a vital connection to personal development.
And let’s not forget about music. You might not perform at a prestigious venue, and I’m not expecting viral fame from your musical endeavors. Yet, learning to play an instrument or sing can provide another means of self-expression and connect you with diverse cultures. Plus, there’s a well-known fact: people are often drawn to musicians.
“Hard work surpasses talent when talent doesn’t put in the effort,” we all know the kid in advanced classes who failed math because they thought studying was beneath them. While I don’t expect straight A’s, I believe it’s essential to teach kids the value of hard work. They should understand that not striving for their personal best is a choice, not an inherent limitation.
I will inform you when quitting is an option. If a child is involved in a genuinely harmful activity or faces abusive mentors or peers, they can leave immediately. Otherwise, I encourage them to stick with new pursuits. Before they claim, “I’m not good at this, so I quit,” they should set realistic goals with the guidance of a teacher or coach and strive to achieve those.
I once told my middle child that they could stop playing the violin after mastering a particular song they found daunting. They worked diligently, even expressing their frustrations along the way. Ultimately, they succeeded, felt accomplished, and decided to shift their focus to the clarinet, which they now adore. Yes, there will be challenges ahead, but they have learned the value of perseverance.
So, let’s not label all involved parents as merely pushing their kids to achieve unreachable heights. Some of us are simply guiding our children wisely.
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Summary:
Being an involved parent isn’t always negative; sometimes, a little push is necessary for children to explore new interests and understand the value of hard work. While parents should avoid dictating their child’s passions, guiding them toward beneficial activities can foster personal growth.