In the timeless words of a famous actor, “Parents just don’t get it.” When a once trendy young adult transitions into motherhood, the aging process can seem to accelerate at an alarming rate, negatively impacting their sense of style and youthfulness. No amount of trendy clothing, stylish accessories, or quoting popular music lyrics can stave off the inevitable arrival of middle age. If this resonates with you, you might be experiencing the phenomenon known as OLD.
The initial stages of OLD often involve a mix of disbelief and denial. Who wants to face the reality that middle age is nearing? But when those silver strands start appearing in your hair (or worse, scattered around your home), it’s a clear sign that you’ve crossed into OLD territory.
The signs don’t stop at grey hair; you can expect a few more amusing indicators:
- You’ve acquired a bit of a belly.
- Sweatpants and tees have become your daily uniform.
- Dinner is served at 4:30 p.m. because “the kids need to eat.”
- You rise before dawn.
- You experience unexpected back pain.
- Your breast tissue seems to be migrating southward.
- Your ears appear slightly larger, and your gums are receding enough that you laugh at the term “long in the tooth.”
- Dairy now feels like a foe.
- You’ve developed “the elevens,” those persistent lines between your eyebrows that give you a constant look of discontent.
- One glass of wine and you’re out cold by 8 p.m.
The second stage of OLD is when this amusing disorder fully manifests, leading to a chaotic inner monologue filled with existential dilemmas. You find yourself grappling with profound questions like whether to pick up knitting or take up Zumba. You start to wonder, at what point does it become concerning that you occasionally leak when you laugh or sneeze? Suddenly, the thought of needing Depends doesn’t seem so far-fetched.
And the list of amusing realizations continues:
- You briefly contemplate the idea of becoming a “cougar.”
- When you discover that mostly middle-aged women enjoyed Fifty Shades of Grey, you consider getting rid of your copy.
- You become anxious about the trifecta of female health issues: Is it your period? Are you premenopausal? Or, heaven forbid, are you pregnant?
- You still find Johnny Depp appealing until you realize he’s not aging as gracefully as you once thought and is probably eligible for AARP.
- You feel increasingly uncomfortable with the amount of skin being shown by young artists in videos.
- You have no clue what the younger generation is saying when they use terms like “fleek” and “bae.”
- Naps begin to sound unbelievably appealing.
- You ponder whether to embrace this midlife crisis wholeheartedly.
- You consider a French cooking class—wait, no! You’ll be adventurous and try kickboxing instead.
- You wonder if sex improves with age, only to find your partner slowly backing away.
To stave off these troubling developments, consider avoiding Classic Rock stations that play bands like Nirvana and U2, and resist forming an unhealthy reliance on elastic waistbands and Spanx. You’ll likely be just fine.
In the meantime, let’s take a breather. Grab a seat, and let me brush your hair while you indulge in a bowl of Rocky Road. If you’re looking for more on journeys like this, check out resources about pregnancy and home insemination, like this insightful article from Resolve. For more information about pregnancy milestones, you can also visit Intracervical Insemination, an excellent authority on the subject. Plus, if you’re curious about home insemination options, take a look at our post on the Cryobaby At-Home Insemination Kit.
In summary, while parenthood can bring about some unexpected signs of aging, it’s important to embrace the journey with humor and a little self-care.