It’s a bright weekday afternoon, and I’m navigating my home in my favorite robe. You might expect a thirty-nine-year-old mom working remotely to be dressed in activewear or trendy casuals, but here I am, looking like I just woke up.
While assisting my preschooler in the bathroom, I caught a reflection of myself. With no makeup, no accessories, and clad in the coziest attire, I felt exhausted and somewhat defeated. Why can’t I pull myself together? A quick application of mascara and a cute outfit could do wonders, right? But instead, I found myself spiraling into a cycle of internalized ableism — which felt far more damaging than my appearance.
For over fifteen years, I’ve been living with a chronic, incurable autoimmune disease. Such conditions wear you down, moment by moment, day by day. Yes, we, the chronically ill, demonstrate resilience, but it’s not a choice; our health hangs in the balance. We either manage our conditions or face dire consequences — there’s rarely a middle ground.
As if managing type 1 diabetes wasn’t challenging enough, I was diagnosed with breast cancer four summers ago. After a mastectomy, I began to heal, only for a small mass to reveal a recurrence earlier this year. Following two surgeries, I’m now facing chemotherapy and soon radiation.
I have every right to don my robe. The soft fabric brings me comfort in this challenging time. With hair loss, surgical scars, and the exhausting side effects of chemotherapy, I’m not exactly feeling my best. I often see healthy moms on social media thriving — redecorating, jogging, and shuttling their kids to activities. I should be part of that world, but I can barely muster the energy to move around my home.
Internalized ableism pushes me to “tough it out,” to maintain a positive attitude, and to embrace the idea that I’m stronger than I realize. Some suggest that God only gives tough battles to the strongest warriors, as if my struggle is simply a test of my bravery. I often hear “get well soon,” as if my recovery is solely in my hands.
Even when I avoid social media, the “shoulds” linger in my mind. I should be more active, more involved, more like others. Instead, I shuffle around my house in my robe during the day, a stark contrast to societal expectations.
I constantly challenge these internalized messages. Chemo is a serious undertaking, a brutal process that affects both healthy and cancerous cells, leading to unpleasant side effects. I have every right to seek refuge in my robe, regardless of the time of day.
I remind myself that this situation isn’t permanent. Soon, I’ll transition from weekly infusions to radiation, which thankfully may not be as taxing. If I still require comfort from my robe and quiet days at home, then so be it.
The objective is healing, not pushing myself to exhaustion. Healing demands time, patience, and a lot of encouragement. I used to pride myself on productivity, but now, some days, simply taking a shower or loading the dishwasher feels like a huge win.
I’m learning to value small victories and recognize what energizes or drains me. I candidly express how I’m feeling, rarely defaulting to “fine.” Most days, I’m either doing better than expected or struggling with even minor tasks.
Dealing with a health challenge is tough enough, but those of us who are ill also grapple with internalized ableism. The messages we receive about not being “normal” or “enough” can wear us down, no matter how positive we try to be. I have the power to reject those toxic beliefs, even if it’s tempting to accept them.
My healing journey is complex but achievable, and I refuse to let internalized ableism dictate my path.
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- How to cope with chronic illness
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In summary, internalized ableism adds another layer of stress for those living with chronic illness. Challenging societal expectations and embracing self-compassion is crucial for healing, even when it feels overwhelming.