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A few years back, I was collaborating with a male coworker—someone typically regarded as a “nice guy”—who had difficulty accepting feedback during a brainstorming session. His demeanor was condescending and dismissive. When I offered an apology, he remained silent. On another occasion, after correcting a different male colleague’s errors, he reacted with hostility and publicly shamed me. Once again, I found myself apologizing. He did not.
We can debate whether I needed to apologize in those situations, but that misses the point. The issue wasn’t my apologies; it was the lack of accountability from my male colleagues.
There is an abundance of advice directed at women—much of it misguided. At the forefront is the insistence that we stop apologizing. “Women are frequently urged to adjust their language—making it less apologetic and more assertive,” noted experts in a recent article. The list of suggestions is extensive: Avoid the word “just.” Don’t seek permission. Don’t doubt your decisions. And certainly, DO NOT apologize.
This trend has gained momentum over recent years. Initially, it seemed to hold some value. Why was I saying “sorry” for not receiving an email? Why did I feel the need to apologize for having a scheduling conflict? Did I really need to say “I’m sorry” if a colleague misinterpreted something due to a lack of context? No, I didn’t. However, the advice—almost exclusively aimed at women—felt off. What harm is there in a few polite, if unnecessary, apologies? Are these customary expressions truly hindering my potential? Hardly.
When a prominent figure published a book titled “Girl, Stop Apologizing,” it became clear to me; this isn’t about empowering women but about silencing us.
Yes, those “I’m sorry”s might be superfluous, but they can foster a kinder, more respectful atmosphere. We should not only continue using them but perhaps encourage others to do the same. “The world would greatly benefit, and workplaces would be far more pleasant, if instead of telling women to apologize less, we urged men to apologize more,” experts stated. “The real concern should be less about regulating women and more about addressing the behavior of underperforming and inappropriate men.”
Apologies—even the unnecessary ones—carry value. They can defuse tense situations, reduce defensiveness, and convey humility. A linguistics professor pointed out that apologizing is a fundamental aspect of our communication. “Asking people to stop apologizing is akin to asking them to stop saying hello and goodbye. Such courtesies are essential for coexisting,” she remarked.
The crux of the issue isn’t whether women apologize excessively, but whether men fail to apologize sufficiently. Most organizational and societal issues—like corruption, bullying, and toxic leadership—stem from our inability to hold privileged men accountable, yet we continue to focus on stifling women.
When the #stopapologizing movement rose, I found myself policing my own behavior. I eliminated unnecessary “I’m sorry, but…” from my emails and refrained from apologizing for miscommunications when I was not at fault. The result? Nothing positive came from it. Colleagues didn’t perceive me as more assertive or confident. Men didn’t take ownership of their mistakes, and my career didn’t magically advance. Instead, I felt increasingly frustrated, second-guessing my words and feeling unnatural.
To be clear, I’m not suggesting that women who naturally avoid excessive apologies are wrong or that anyone should feel pressured to apologize unnecessarily. What I am asserting is that women who apologize more than needed aren’t the issue—men who don’t apologize enough are.
There’s a pervasive trend to silence women under the guise of empowerment. True empowerment lies in women feeling free to be themselves—respected even if they express remorse or defer to others. Women should not have to doubt themselves in their words or actions. They deserve respect. Period.
Let’s discard this harmful advice. As noted in a leading publication, “A more constructive suggestion for women? Speak openly and communicate in whatever manner feels right.”
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- How to stop apologizing in the workplace
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Summary:
This article highlights the imbalance in workplace apologies, emphasizing that women are often pressured to apologize less while men frequently avoid taking responsibility. Rather than focusing on women’s language, we should encourage men to be more accountable. Apologies, even when unnecessary, can enhance workplace culture. The real issue lies not in women’s behavior but in the lack of accountability from men.