In the early days of toddlerhood, my younger son had a favorite mantra: “Me-Me-Me.” Whenever my husband or I attempted to lend a hand with something as simple as putting on shoes or settling into his car seat, he would shove us away, asserting, “Me-Me-Me.” This toddler declaration was his way of saying, “I can do it myself!”
While his desire for independence was understandable and even charming, it often led to frustration. He would throw tantrums, cry, and sulk, all to avoid accepting a bit of assistance. In his world, independence reigned supreme.
This notion of independence extends beyond toddlers; many adults view it as a virtue, a commendable trait. We pride ourselves on being self-starters and achievers, embodying the spirit of the American Dream through autonomy and self-reliance. However, this emphasis on independence can be detrimental.
Recently, I spoke with a friend navigating the chaos of parenthood. When I offered my support and encouraged her to reach out for help, she replied, “I know, but I feel like I should manage this on my own.” Essentially, she was echoing the “Me-Me-Me” mentality, exhausting herself in the process.
I can relate to that overwhelming feeling. I, too, am fiercely independent and often reluctant to seek help. Like many parents, I sometimes forget that self-sufficiency and support can coexist. Being autonomous doesn’t mean you have to face every challenge alone. Parenting should not prioritize independence to the detriment of communal support; we are not meant to navigate this journey in isolation.
The saying, “It takes a village,” is a cliché for a reason—it’s true. Historically, parents have collaborated to raise children, sharing burdens and providing mutual support. If a neighbor needed a break or assistance, it was common to reach out without fear of judgment.
Imagine calling your friend Lisa down the street when you’re overwhelmed and saying, “Hey, I’m having a tough day! Could you watch the kids for a bit?” Lisa would likely respond with understanding and perhaps a request for some diapers in return. There would be no gossip or judgment; just a mutual understanding that parenting can be hard.
Yet, somewhere along the line, an expectation emerged that parents should tackle their challenges independently. This is evident in public policies, with the U.S. lacking paid parental leave and affordable childcare. Societal norms often discourage parents from seeking help, leading to feelings of inadequacy and isolation.
Parenting is undoubtedly challenging. The insistence on “Me-Me-Me” is not only exhausting but can also lead to unhappiness. There’s no reward for “independent parenting,” no medals for enduring hardships alone. Why not embrace a more supportive approach—what I like to call the “We’ve Got Each Other’s Backs” style of parenting?
Eventually, my son outgrew his “Me-Me-Me” phase, realizing that while he could do many things alone, accepting help made life easier and happier for everyone involved. If only we, as parents, could learn to do the same.
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In conclusion, embracing community support rather than clinging to independence can lead to a more fulfilling and less stressful parenting experience.