This evening, I found myself seated on the worn carpet outside my son’s room, phone in hand, in my pajamas, with my hair a chaotic mess on top of my head. I waited for my energetic 2-year-old to finally settle down after a series of giggles and playful “Mommy, watch this” moments. By now, I should have instilled a sense of independence in him, encouraging him to drift off to sleep on his own. Yet, let’s be honest—“should haves” have become a constant refrain in my life lately.
After what felt like an eternity, he finally surrendered to sleep, and I retreated to the bathroom to brush my teeth. As I glanced at my weary reflection, I was struck by the image of a woman who still feels like a child trying to navigate a chaotic world. My gaze fell to the sink drain, where a bit of mildew had begun to accumulate.
“I can’t keep anything together these days.”
I used to be different. My life and parenting were once dictated by guidelines and checklists, ensuring I adhered to every rule and never faltered. That’s what it meant to be a good person and a good mom. But then came the nine months that transformed everything, plunging me into a sea of “should haves” and “just getting by.”
Those nine months were pivotal—twice over—marked by the pregnancies and births of my two sons. There’s a profound bending, breaking, and budding of new life and hope during such times. Yet, sometimes, nine months can carry a heavier burden. Just a year ago, I held my youngest son as he passed away, and nine months later, I found myself in a courtroom finalizing my divorce—a necessary but painful conclusion.
This past year has made me intimately familiar with the beast of sorrow. Some mornings, I wake up feeling as if a fog has enveloped me. I navigate through the day, feeling the weight of my emotions, only for it to shift into restless thoughts that keep me awake well into the night. If I could spend my days in sweaty yoga pants, binge-watching Netflix, never leaving my bed, I would do so without hesitation. If meals could magically appear before me, I would welcome that convenience. If I could hire someone to tidy up my chaotic surroundings, it would feel like a dream come true.
Yet, I don’t have the luxury to let it all go. I can’t abandon my life or call in sick every day. I have a sandy-haired, blue-eyed boy who climbs into my bed each morning, whispers, “Mommy snuggle,” and then insists on breakfast moments later. As I plant my feet on the floor, he looks me in the eye and requests, “Mommy, carry me like a baby.” With fatigue weighing on me, I rise and lift his 35-pound frame, reminding myself that one day, he will no longer fit so easily in my arms. In that moment, I breathe in the sweet scent of his hair as he rests his head on my shoulder.
No matter how tired I am or what challenges lie ahead, it doesn’t truly matter. My love for him is greater than my exhaustion. He is my reason to persevere, even when hiding away seems far more appealing than confronting my responsibilities. I can’t give in, and I won’t. Yes, I’m worn out, and yes, I’d relish a few extra hours in bed. But when morning arrives, I am all he has, and he is my motivation to rise.
This past year has heightened my awareness of life’s fragility. While life can be brutally challenging, it can also be incredibly beautiful and filled with hope. The tough moments, when I feel utterly overwhelmed, and the chaotic times that make me want to pull my hair out, are dwarfed by the tender moments, such as when I’m curled up next to him in his toddler bed, singing lullabies. He wraps his chubby little arms around my neck, kisses my cheek, and whispers, “Mommy, I love you.”
Despite the “should haves” and “good enoughs” that have accompanied this challenging year, I’ve come to see that, in the end, love is what truly matters. This difficult season will eventually pass. Though scars may remain, we will continue to breathe through each moment. Because of love, we will endure. Love is enough.
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In summary, through the ups and downs of parenthood, love remains the guiding force that helps us persevere in the face of life’s challenges.