Recently, I participated in a panel with fellow queer individuals. Once the discussion wrapped up and the viewers exited the Zoom call, we took a moment to check in with one another about how we felt the panel went. Being part of the queer and/or transgender community can be draining, and much of that fatigue stems from the microaggressions we face on a daily basis, leading us to question how to navigate these situations among ourselves.
Other marginalized groups also feel the weight of these subtle slights, especially when their identities intersect. Although the term “micro” might suggest that microaggressions are minor and easily overlooked, they can be just as damaging as overt discrimination and often leave a lingering impact.
What Are Microaggressions?
Microaggressions encompass comments, actions, or expressions that convey negative sentiments toward marginalized individuals. These interactions are typically quick, subtle, and often unintentional, stemming from biases related to gender, race, sexuality, and physical abilities. The term was first introduced in the 1970s by Chester Pierce, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School, and it gained traction through Columbia University’s Derald Sue in 2007. Here are some examples of microaggressions you may encounter:
- “Can I touch your hair?”
- “You pass really well.”
- “When I see you, I don’t see color.”
- “Who is the real mother?”
- “Your pain would improve if you lost some weight.”
- “If your name wasn’t so feminine, I wouldn’t have misgendered you.”
It’s exhausting to deal with these comments. While some individuals refrain from making these remarks, many still do so without understanding the harm behind them. After our panel, my fellow queer panelists and I discussed how we constantly navigate others’ biases. We often feel a disconnect between our experiences and how others respond to our feelings when we attempt to articulate them. When we call out microaggressions, they are frequently met with gaslighting, whether intentional or not.
The Impact of Microaggressions
Dr. Kevin Nadal, a psychology professor at John Jay College, wrote an article titled “Sexual Orientation Microaggressions: ‘Death by a Thousand Cuts’” aimed at understanding the detrimental effects of heteronormative biases on queer youth’s mental health. The cumulative weight of microaggressions affects queer adults as well, creating a persistent atmosphere of discrimination. We often feel out of place, as if we are not enough while striving to prove our worth. We might feel like burdens, constantly advocating for ourselves and perceived as overly vocal.
Other marginalized communities face similar struggles. I want to remind myself and everyone who has ever felt that someone else’s intentions overshadowed the impact on them: You are deserving. You are valid. You are worthy of respect. It’s vital to acknowledge that you don’t need to fight every battle. While it’s important to hold people accountable, I’ve learned that self-preservation can sometimes take precedence. It’s exhausting to always be the one to correct others and to have to request what should have been offered willingly.
Finding Your Approach
I won’t dictate how you should confront microaggressions, but I encourage you to find approaches that feel safe and sustainable for you. Some microaggressions are difficult to describe or address and may require the support of a friend or ally to validate your experience. Context is key, but I generally trust my instincts—if something feels off, it likely is. When someone says something hurtful, my initial response is often to correct and educate. Sometimes I manage this with kindness, but other times I’m more direct. I’m learning to pause and consider the potential consequences before reacting. If I’m addressing someone in person, I also assess whether my physical safety might be at risk.
Dr. Nadal’s Guide to Responding to Microaggressions
Dr. Nadal’s Guide includes essential questions to help you navigate these situations:
- If I respond, could my physical safety be in danger?
- If I respond, will the person become defensive, leading to an argument?
- If I respond, how will it affect my relationship with them (e.g., co-worker, family member)?
- If I don’t respond, will I regret my silence?
- If I don’t respond, does it imply that I accept their behavior or statement?
These inquiries often require significant emotional labor, and you may find yourself making quick decisions while grappling with feelings of frustration, sadness, or anger. Sometimes, I choose to respond with humor to highlight the other person’s mistake. Other times, I opt for silence, finding peace in that choice. While passive-aggressive thoughts may linger, I tend to be straightforward when advocating for myself to avoid misunderstandings.
If You’re Called Out
If you find yourself being called out, it’s essential to listen. Avoid centering your feelings or trying to justify your words. Instead, apologize, express gratitude for the feedback, and take the initiative to research why your comment may have been hurtful. Don’t shift the burden of education onto the person you offended.
I recognize that many microaggressions are not intended to harm. However, when faced with a barrage of unintentional injuries throughout the day, it can feel overwhelming. I remind myself that my feelings are valid, and I allow myself to release negativity that doesn’t serve me. Conversations with friends or loved ones help reaffirm my identity, making it easier to navigate a world that isn’t progressing quickly enough for many of us.
Further Reading
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Key Questions to Consider
- What are microaggressions?
- How to respond to microaggressions?
- Examples of microaggressions in everyday life?
- Why do microaggressions matter?
- How to educate others about microaggressions?
Conclusion
In summary, understanding and addressing microaggressions is vital for fostering a more inclusive environment. They may seem small, but their impact is significant and often requires careful navigation. It’s essential to find ways to respond that prioritize your well-being while also holding others accountable.