I choose not to drink because of my father’s struggles with alcohol. He had a significant problem, spending many of my high school years behind bars for DUI offenses. I can vividly recall him arriving at my graduation, intoxicated and unsteady on his feet. I even used my earnings from a pizza job to bail him out. He passed away at the young age of 49, which hit me hard. At 19, he seemed old, but now in my 30s, I understand just how young that really is. He never got to meet my children or witness my college graduation or wedding. He should still be here, but he isn’t.
It’s not that I’ve never had a drink — I did in the past, but I stopped once I got married. When I drank, it felt uncomfortable, like a suit that didn’t fit. My thoughts always drifted back to my father.
When my wife and I became parents, we both agreed to abstain from alcohol entirely. We began practicing a faith that helped us connect with other non-drinking parents. Yet, as I navigate fatherhood and write about parenting, I often find myself in the minority. I have a colleague who enjoys his evening “papa juice” — gin — claiming it helps ease the stress of bedtime routines. I can understand the temptation; there are days when a drink might seem like the perfect solution to manage the pressures of parenting.
I see the jokes and memes online about parents unwinding with wine. I remember a particular scene from Christmas Vacation where Clark asks his father how he coped with the chaos of the holidays, to which his father replies, “I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.” There are moments I wish I could have that kind of help, especially during festive times. When I go out with other parents, I find myself as the only one at the table with a glass of water, sporting a clear smile.
I’ve even lost friends due to my choice to abstain from alcohol. Some people have tried to push drinks on me, convinced that just one sip would magically enhance my life or our conversations. It’s perplexing and often frustrating being the sober parent in these situations.
I frequently get asked how I manage parenting without alcohol, as if my sobriety is some sort of superpower. I explain my reasons: my father’s struggles, my faith, and the fact that I lead a fulfilling life without drinking. Some parents understand, while many do not. It seems there isn’t a compelling enough rationale for some individuals to comprehend my choice. That’s a bit unsettling. I’ve been asked if I’m a monk, and I often hear that not drinking must be dull. To me, parenting itself is anything but boring.
I can honestly say I haven’t missed a single moment of my children’s lives. I approach everything with a clear mind. I remember all the joys and challenges of parenting. I experience stress fully, but I also embrace the love and cuddles that come with it. I don’t yearn for a night out involving alcohol. I save money and avoid the worry of my kids sneaking into a liquor cabinet, as I did with my father. I’m not concerned about alcohol disrupting my family life like it did for my parents.
Perhaps this all stems from my personal history with my father. It’s tempting to think that if I just let loose and had a drink, I could escape those burdens. But I can’t, and I won’t.
The unfortunate reality is that being a parent who doesn’t drink can lead to feelings of isolation. Sometimes, it seems like other parents are wary of me or reluctant to invite me over, fearing I’ll be the sober buzzkill at the gathering.
If you know a parent who doesn’t drink, it’s important to recognize that they made a conscious choice. They opted for sobriety, and that decision deserves respect. They are not unusual, untrustworthy, or overly serious. They simply choose not to drink, and that’s perfectly fine. So, extend an invitation, be a friend, and don’t push them to drink. Just accept their choice and move forward. Their reasons are valid, whatever they may be.
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Summary
Abstaining from alcohol has been a personal choice for me, influenced by my father’s struggles with drinking. While some may view my decision as unusual, I’ve found fulfillment in parenting without the need for alcohol. It’s crucial for those who drink to respect the choices of sober parents and understand that their reasons are valid.