An open letter to those who view me as a Facebook fanatic, bombarding your feed with family snapshots:
When my posts pop up in your newsfeed, I can almost hear the collective eye-rolls and see fingers hovering over the “Unfollow” option next to my name. You might question whether I’ve ever experienced life outside the lens of my iPhone, and just to clarify—I have. I’m aware you might not be keen on reading about our weekend escapades, let alone browsing through a gallery of pictures documenting each moment. But honestly, your disinterest doesn’t deter me.
I don’t share updates, photos, or videos for the likes or reactions; I do it as a reminder to myself that I am creating joyful memories with my family. In my darkest moments, these posts serve as proof that happiness exists. They’re my lifeline when self-doubt creeps in and clouds my perception.
I find joy in the small things, like the fact that my daughter has inherited my curly hair—though I know she may curse it one day when humidity strikes. Looking into her big brown eyes and seeing my own reflection is both exhilarating and heartbreaking. Her exuberance comes from her dad, and I cherish her fearless spirit, which I sometimes wish I possessed.
She’s so innocent right now, blissfully unaware that I am not the superhero she believes me to be. I’m the one she seeks when she’s scared or in need of comfort. I hope she remembers that on difficult days, her mom put in her best effort to be the perfect parent. But being a hero isn’t always achievable; sometimes, the villain—like anxiety—takes over. It’s a lurking monster that often drains my joy and leaves me questioning my ability to be the mother she deserves.
A friend gifted me a journal just before my daughter was born, urging me to document every treasured moment of her childhood for future generations. She suggested I capture candid instances of joy, sadness, triumph, and even self-doubt. Unfortunately, that pink journal remains wrapped in ribbon, a blessing for my daughter that I haven’t yet utilized. It’s ironic that I can articulate my feelings in writing but struggle to take a few minutes each day to jot down something amusing my daughter does. I need to be in a positive mindset, which is often elusive. My mental health challenges, including adjustment disorder with high-functioning depression, panic disorder, and generalized anxiety, make it difficult to focus on the good.
I often tell myself my husband deserves a better partner—someone who juggles everything seamlessly, like those women on TV whose lives seem flawless. Meanwhile, I find myself collapsing onto the couch after dinner, hoping my daughter adheres to her bedtime routine so I can spend a precious hour with my husband before bed.
And it’s not just my husband who deserves better; my kids, including my wonderful stepdaughter, do too. Yes, there are moms who are far worse than me, and my children are happy and cared for. Yet, the pressure of motherhood can be daunting; you constantly feel like you’re falling short and that others are doing it better.
So, when you see those perfectly staged family photos with matching outfits, understand that it’s part of a bigger narrative—one that transcends mere social media engagement. Mental health struggles are often overlooked, yet they can be just as debilitating as any physical ailment. It’s a topic too seldom discussed, often shrouded in stigma, but it deserves attention.
I often find myself in a spiral of negativity, saying things I don’t mean, only to regret them later. It’s a struggle, and most days I’m in awe of how my husband copes with me. Since my diagnoses 14 years ago, I’ve experienced both immense joy and profound challenges.
As I look ahead, I try to envision the rainbows that follow storms, cliché though it may sound. Right now, I’m grateful for my family and the recent milestones we’ve achieved—like buying a new home and receiving a job transfer that alleviates stress. However, I remain aware that challenges will always arise. I’m focusing on the rainbows that shine through the clouds.
In conclusion, if you find me to be that overly enthusiastic Facebook friend, remember that these posts are my way of coping and reminding myself that life is still full of light, despite the shadows that sometimes creep in.
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