I was completely unaware that our yard hadn’t been mowed in weeks, and it’s become a wilderness. There are actual lions lurking in the tall grass, poised to pounce on unsuspecting squirrels. My partner mentioned he’s been trying to find time to tackle the lawn, while I was completely oblivious that this was even on the to-do list.
So how did we reach this point? It’s simple: I don’t care about the lawn, and therefore, any tasks related to its upkeep don’t even register with me.
Recently, articles discussing emotional labor and the mental load that women carry have been popping up all over my newsfeed. I sometimes feel the urge to share these with my partner, but it’s not to make him feel guilty or suggest he’s not doing enough. He does a lot.
Instead, I share them as a way to validate my constant fatigue and to explain why I might forget things or why I sometimes greet him with a quick high-five before retreating to my room for some solitude. Sharing these articles makes me feel acknowledged.
I don’t intend to offload my mental load onto my partner, nor do I believe it’s feasible. Unless I want to take on the additional mental task of coordinating our schedules, grocery lists, and to-do items, my mental load is here to stay. Interestingly, this doesn’t bother me because I know I’m not the only one carrying this load in our relationship.
I view our partnership as equitable. My partner and I share household responsibilities, and he has never once complained. We haven’t had a formal discussion about who does what; we both understand what needs to be accomplished, and it gets done. We don’t keep score about who washed the dishes more often. If the dishes need attention and I haven’t done them, he steps in. Conversely, if he hasn’t done them and I can’t, I simply ask, and he’s on it.
I consider myself fortunate. According to a casual survey of my friends, I’m surrounded by individuals whose partners seem indifferent to chores, cooking, errands, or even basic parenting tasks. I know women whose partners have never done laundry or changed a diaper, never even wiped a bottom that’s 50% their DNA.
When I’m exhausted or forgetful at the end of a long day, my partner understands the reasons behind it. He does what he can to lighten my load because he knows I’m working hard to make life easier for him too. We’re in this marriage together. It’s not about a 50/50 split; it’s about giving 100% from both sides and merging our efforts to meet each other’s needs.
Has my partner ever picked up a toilet brush without being asked and scrubbed it like royalty would be using it? No, he hasn’t. But if I ask him to do it, I can be confident that our bathroom will be ready for any royal visit. The mental effort of remembering to clean the toilet and then asking him to handle it is still far less than doing it myself.
Requesting help from my partner is as effortless as asking my doctor for a prescription refill or a server for more napkins. My doctor knows I’ll need that refill, just as the waiter sees me with two kids and anticipates my need for napkins. Making those requests instead of grumbling about the effort ensures that I receive the support I require.
I don’t care about the yard, and I don’t even notice it when it resembles a jungle—just as my partner doesn’t pay attention to the toilet’s cleanliness. We value different things, and while my mental load is very real and won’t simply vanish, I recognize that he’s giving his all, just as I am.
I might still share an article occasionally, so he remembers the whirlwind of thoughts in my head, but I also realize how much he helps keep that mental clutter at bay. If the load becomes overwhelming, asking for help isn’t an inconvenience; it’s a necessary part of our partnership.
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In summary, while my mental load may not be going anywhere, I know that my partner is equally invested in our relationship. We both contribute in our own ways to ensure a balanced partnership.