Growing up in the heart of Alabama, I enjoyed a classic southern upbringing filled with fried foods, football games, and carefree summers. My parents instilled in me the importance of manners, teaching me to say “yes, ma’am” and “no, sir.” In the South, politeness is practically a religion, and bless their hearts, people are incredibly friendly—at least on the surface.
Throughout my childhood, I was often reminded to “be sweet,” a phrase that seemed to echo from every woman I knew. Whether I was bickering with my siblings or letting loose in school, “be sweet” was the mantra. It didn’t matter if I was passionate about politics or if I was frustrated; the admonition to remain sweet always loomed in the background.
Now, as a mother, I find myself reflecting on what values I want to pass to my children. We enjoy fried vegetables, use polite language, and embrace our love for football, but there’s one thing I refuse to do: I will not allow anyone to tell my daughter to “be sweet.”
I’ve come to realize that this so-called southern sweetness can sometimes be dangerous. Just yesterday, while I was working at Starbucks, I observed two young women at a table, clearly trying to focus on their tasks. Suddenly, an older man approached them, uninvited, and began to dominate their conversation. Instead of asserting themselves, the girls exchanged knowing glances and plastered on uncomfortable smiles, nodding along for thirty minutes as he rambled about himself.
In the past, I might have dismissed this as just another awkward encounter. But as a mother, it infuriated me. Watching these girls squirm in their seats, clearly uneasy with the invasion of their personal space, sparked a fierce protectiveness within me. They were being excessively nice, and it was clear they were uncomfortable.
Society often conditions young girls to be accommodating and agreeable, but is that truly beneficial? Have you ever found yourself in an awkward situation just to spare someone’s feelings? I have, and I want to change that narrative for my daughter.
The experience of those young women made me question whether I am raising a daughter who can advocate for herself. At just 18 months old, I’ve caught myself saying “Be sweet!” when she stands her ground against her brother. But no more.
In our household, we have adopted a new guiding principle: Be kind. Sweetness is often about how others receive you, while kindness focuses on what is right. This distinction can be crucial, even life-saving, in certain situations. It’s perfectly acceptable for girls to assert their boundaries with kindness, saying things like, “I’m sorry, but I can’t engage right now; I have work to do.” It’s not unkind to say “stop” when a relationship crosses a line.
I refuse to raise a daughter who is sweet at the expense of her comfort, safety, or happiness. My husband and I encourage our daughter to express herself without fear of reprimand. She has the right to say “no,” and we support her autonomy. We teach our children to be kind, but sweetness is no longer a requirement.
I’m not aiming to raise a sweet little girl; I’m focused on nurturing a strong, confident woman. If my daughter grows up to be deemed a “bitch” for standing her ground, so be it. I want her to establish her own boundaries and adhere to them guilt-free. If she becomes a spirited young lady who speaks her mind and doesn’t hesitate to push back when necessary, I will be proud.
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Summary
Raising a daughter requires us to reconsider the value of being “sweet” at the expense of her well-being. By fostering kindness over superficial sweetness, we empower our daughters to assert themselves confidently and maintain their boundaries.