I recognize that my title may provoke strong feelings. You might be hoping that my perspective aligns with your beliefs, whether you identify as pro-life or pro-choice. However, I’m not here to sway your opinion; I simply want to share my experience and provide insight from my unique viewpoint.
First and foremost, I want to express how deeply afraid I am as I write this. I’ve never felt this way before, uncertain about sharing my story. It’s a narrative filled with pain and vulnerability, one that I’ve kept hidden out of fear of judgment and disappointment from those who look up to me. But I’m ready to shed that fear and reveal my truth.
On June 30, 2016, my husband and I learned that our baby was severely ill with hydrops—an alarming condition that left our little boy’s organs encased in fluid, crushing them. At just 16 weeks into my pregnancy, we were told that the prognosis was dire; my baby was dying. My heart shattered that day. I barely spoke or engaged with the world around me. I desperately sought a miracle, researching every possible treatment and praying for answers, but all I found was a path that terrified me: termination.
The very option I had always said I would never consider now loomed over me. My doctors were restricted from suggesting termination outright, but their silence spoke volumes. One physician subtly indicated what he would advise his daughter in my situation, while another handed me a list of clinics. There was also a nurse who urged me to carry my baby to term, claiming I would regret having an abortion.
I am a Christian, a human, a partner, and a mother. I prayed for clarity, consulted with my husband, and ultimately made the most compassionate choice I could for my baby. Given the fierce opposition to abortion in Texas, I was compelled to travel to Albuquerque, New Mexico, to seek the medical care I needed. It was a gut-wrenching decision, requiring me to leave my family behind just a week after receiving the devastating news of my baby’s condition.
There, I faced the reality of saying goodbye to a child I would never hold or see. In Texas, inducing labor at 17 weeks is classified as an abortion, and therefore illegal. The idea of being forced to carry a baby that would not survive—and potentially risk my own life—was unimaginable.
I fear sharing my story because I dread the judgment I might face for what some may label as “selfish” or “murderous.” Each day, my heart aches not from regret, but from the loss of my little boy. The experience has shaped my understanding of life and death in ways I never anticipated.
I have seen the struggles of others who have been kept alive by life-support, such as my cousin who fought brain cancer at just 1.5 years old. When the time came, my aunt and uncle chose to let him go. I liken my role in my baby’s life to that of life-support; I made the heartbreaking decision to “pull the plug” on a life that would never experience quality.
I cannot identify as pro-life after what I endured. I’m grateful for the choice I had, and I shudder at the thought of anyone facing a similar situation without options. Conversely, I find it difficult to understand the rationale behind terminating a healthy pregnancy.
Ultimately, I believe God endowed us with the wisdom of medicine for a reason. We should respect one another’s choices, especially in the face of medical necessity. We never truly know what someone else is experiencing unless we’ve walked in their shoes.
Before casting judgment on mothers who choose to terminate, remember that we are all human, navigating difficult decisions. Compassion and understanding can go a long way.
For those seeking more information, I recommend visiting this excellent resource for pregnancy and exploring how advances in medicine can aid in difficult situations, including home insemination techniques like those discussed in our home insemination kit blog. Additionally, you can learn more about the importance of air quality in reproductive health from this authority on the subject.
Summary
In sharing my story of loss and the heart-wrenching decision I faced regarding my pregnancy, I hope to foster understanding rather than division. I do not align with pro-life or pro-choice labels, but rather seek to convey the complex emotions and realities surrounding such deeply personal choices.