“Did you know that when Dad and I tie the knot, I’ll become your step-mum?” I caught the basketball he tossed my way, cradled it against my stomach, and bent down to meet his gaze, waiting for his response. As a seven-year-old, I wasn’t sure how much my soon-to-be stepson understood. He had been joyfully playing wedding games with his toys, but with shy kids, it can be challenging to gauge their enthusiasm.
“Actually, you’ll be my only mum,” he replied softly.
To be honest, I never envisioned myself as a mother of boys. Before I became a parent, I prayed for daughters. It wasn’t that I would have been disheartened by a son; I simply felt unprepared for the energy and chaos I associated with little boys. I worried that I would be perpetually telling them to calm down or go outside to play. I pictured myself overwhelmed, surrounded by broken toys and muddy clothes. Although I recognized these thoughts were irrational, I couldn’t shake them. Having grown up with sisters, I was comfortable with girls. When my own children finally arrived, I was relieved to find they were both girls.
When I began dating my partner, I knew he had a son, which made me uneasy. At first, we kept our relationship under wraps from his boy, wanting to ensure it was serious before involving the kids. However, I suspected he might have caught on, as I often noticed him curiously observing me, trying to understand why this unfamiliar woman was spending time with him and his dad. I did my best to give them space for father-son bonding while grappling with the idea of potentially becoming a stepmom. But as we spent more time together, my desire to connect with him grew stronger. I started to wonder if raising boys might not be as intimidating as I once thought, even though I still felt out of my element.
Rather than being the boisterous, active child I anticipated, my stepson turned out to be a thoughtful, quiet boy. He was reserved around most people, even family members. So, when he finally let his guard down around me, I felt honored. One day at the pool, while my partner and his son were joyfully splashing each other, my stepson swam over to me, wrapped his little arms around my neck, and whispered, “Let’s push Dad under! Don’t tell him!” His giggles of delight melted my heart. I was being included in his playful scheme. When I shared this moment with my partner later, he beamed, “He’s finally accepting you!” It took a few months, but my stepson had decided I was alright after all.
I often ponder if part of my stepson’s initial hesitation toward me stemmed from the fact that I was a mother figure. He was very young when his birth mother transitioned to a man and doesn’t recall a time when things were different. To him, I may be the only mother he knows. My partner usually receives the Mother’s Day cards and crafts from school, but I noticed last year none were sent home. Perhaps the school recognized that Mother’s and Father’s Days can be complicated for some children.
When my stepson said, “You’ll be my only mum,” it struck a chord. While I may not know how to be a mother to a boy, he also lacks a reference for what a mother is like. His perceptions of motherhood likely come from movies, television, and the mothers of his friends, many of whom I haven’t met. Unfortunately, mothers in films are often depicted as flawed or absent. My daughters and I joke about how frequently mothers die early in movies. It’s become a running gag for us. Notably, my youngest once asked, “When are you going to die, mummy?” She thought it was a common fate for all mothers. Thankfully, cinematic portrayals often depict mothers as loving, but if my stepson has seen any movies featuring stepmoms, his understanding of motherhood may be quite skewed. Why are stepmothers so often portrayed as wickedly evil in films?
Just a few months ago, after dating for two years, my partner and I tied the knot. My stepson was excited, albeit in his understated way. I’ve grown attuned to his subtle cues; I could tell he was thrilled with his new black “grown-up” shoes, just like his dad’s, and felt special as he held the rings during the ceremony. We decided to have just our kids up front with us—our daughters as bridesmaids and flower girls, while my partner’s son stood proudly by his side, looking dapper in his pinstriped vest and navy tie.
After the ceremony, as we enjoyed chocolate wedding cake and mingled, I found my stepson sitting quietly by himself. “You’re my son now,” I said with a smile. “My only son.” He nodded in agreement. “What does a stepmum do?” I asked, making a goofy face. “Do I have to kick you in the butt and wipe boogers on you?” (He loves anything to do with butts and boogers.) He laughed and shook his head. “No! I do that to you!”
I chuckled and sat beside him. “What do only sons do? Do they make Mother’s Day cards?”
“I don’t know,” he replied.
“Neither do I,” I said, and we sat in contemplative silence, gazing at the stage.
Three weeks after our wedding, as we gathered for dinner in the living room, my stepson announced, “Oh yeah, I should start calling you your new name.”
“What is it?” I asked, anticipating something humorous.
“Mum, of course,” he declared.
I suppose we’ll figure out together what that means for us. To read more about parenting and family dynamics, check out this other blog post. Additionally, if you’re seeking guidance on pregnancy or home insemination, this site provides excellent resources.
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Summary:
This article recounts the journey of a woman who unexpectedly becomes a stepmother to a young boy. Initially apprehensive about raising boys, she learns to connect with her stepson through shared moments of joy and playfulness. As their relationship blossoms, she navigates the complexities of motherhood, influenced by her stepson’s unique perspective on family dynamics. Through laughter and love, they begin to redefine what it means to be a family together.