The last time I was intimate was on my son’s first birthday, and now he’s just turned four. As he made a wish and blew out the candles on his cake, I quietly celebrated my own milestone: “Happy three years of being sex-free.” Back then, I was still in a relationship with my son’s father, but as time went on, our bond deteriorated. My friends kept nudging me to “get out there and get laid,” as if a physical encounter would solve all my problems. Deep down, I knew that wasn’t the answer.
As a nearly 30-year-old single parent, the thought of seeking out sex felt daunting. Honestly, it wasn’t even on my radar. With so much going on in my life, it was easy to neglect that aspect of myself. Three years later, and I’m still ambivalent about intimacy.
Abstaining from sex was relatively simple when I was navigating life with an infant and then a toddler. Exhaustion consumed me, leaving little room to realize what I was missing. Dating was off the table; my son was deeply attached to me, and I couldn’t leave him alone for long.
Living with my parents added another layer of complexity. As I approached my 30s, the pressure of explaining my life choices became overwhelming. I wasn’t interested in hiding or lying about my situation, and honestly, many men my age weren’t exactly eager to pursue a relationship with a single mom living at home—even if it was purely physical.
After my breakup with my son’s father, I found myself in a mental rut. No amount of intimacy could have changed that. I immersed myself in my career, often working long hours that left me too drained to socialize or meet anyone.
But as my writing career began to flourish, I started to feel more confident. I made an effort to improve my appearance and even ventured out with friends occasionally. I recall one night at a bar, where a charming man showed interest in me. I appreciated the attention, but all I felt was nausea. I realized that although I was starting to feel better about myself, I wasn’t ready for intimacy or dating. My friends, in good spirits, encouraged me to put myself out there, but I playfully told them to back off; there was nothing wrong with not wanting sex right now. (Having honest friends is invaluable).
My friends couldn’t fathom how I could shut down that part of myself. But for me, it was easier than it seemed. Sex had never been a defining aspect of my life. I appreciated it, but I was always more interested in connection, and that wasn’t something I was seeking at this time. Casual encounters just didn’t appeal to me, especially given my current life circumstances.
Truthfully, I’ve grown to enjoy the life I’m creating. I find joy in my work, my friendships, and my relationship with my son. I’m content with my no-fuss approach—no makeup, no fancy clothes, and definitely no late-night parties. If a romantic opportunity happened to arise, I wouldn’t dismiss it outright, but I’m not actively searching for it.
Let’s be honest: the idea of dating is intimidating. I’m in my early 30s, far from where I envisioned myself at this stage. The thought of being intimate with someone new feels daunting. After being with the same partner for four years, my body has changed significantly. I have the marks of motherhood, and I’m not sure I have the energy to juggle work, motherhood, and a new relationship.
Not to mention the logistical nightmare of arranging childcare if I wanted to explore intimacy. It all feels overwhelmingly complex. The idea of flirting sounds fun, but I’d much prefer heading home to binge-watch videos or enjoy a tub of ice cream. Sure, a kiss might be nice, but actual sex? That’s a different story. My hesitation shows I’m not quite ready, and that’s perfectly okay.
Conclusion
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