I don’t consume alcohol, largely because of my father’s struggles with it. He battled with drinking throughout my teenage years, even spending significant time in jail due to DUI charges. I’ll never forget him stumbling into my high school graduation, clearly intoxicated, or how I had to use my earnings from a pizza job to bail him out of jail. He passed away at just 49, a sobering reminder of how fleeting life can be. At 19, I thought he was old, but now in my 30s, I see just how young that truly is. He missed out on my children, my college graduation, and my wedding. He should still be here, but he isn’t.
Though I’ve had drinks in the past, I stopped after getting married. When I did drink, it felt awkward and always brought back memories of my father. So, my wife and I made a mutual decision to abstain from alcohol entirely. We embraced a faith that encourages this lifestyle, which helped us connect with other parents who share our views. But as I navigate parenting with three kids and write about it, I often find myself in the minority. One of my colleagues enjoys his evening “papa juice” — gin he says helps ease the bedtime routine. I understand the appeal; there are days when I could certainly use something to take the edge off.
I see various memes celebrating the wine culture among parents. There’s a line in Christmas Vacation where Clark asks his dad how he coped with holiday chaos, and the response is, “A lot of help from Jack Daniels.” Sometimes, I think a little help would be nice, especially during the hectic holiday season. When I go out with fellow parents, I’m often the only one at the table without a drink, sipping on something non-alcoholic instead.
Choosing not to drink has cost me some friendships. I’ve faced pressure from others to take a drink, as if doing so would magically improve my life or make conversations flow more easily. As the sober parent, I find all of this quite absurd and often frustrating.
People frequently ask how I manage parenting without alcohol, as though my choice not to drink is some sort of superpower. I share my experiences with my father and my faith, and when they inquire about health reasons, I simply say, “No.” I explain that I lead a fulfilling life without alcohol. Some parents understand, but many do not. It seems that for some, no justification is valid enough to justify not drinking, and that sentiment is a bit unsettling. I’ve even been asked if I’m a monk! Many presume my life must be dull without alcohol, yet I find parenting itself to be anything but boring.
I can confidently say that I haven’t missed a moment of my children’s lives. I approach everything with a clear, sober mindset. I remember the highs and lows, I feel every ounce of stress, and I embrace the love and cuddles wholeheartedly. I don’t crave nights out involving alcohol. In fact, I save money and avoid the fear of my kids sneaking into a liquor cabinet like I did as a child. I’m not concerned about alcohol causing rifts in my family, as it did with my parents.
Perhaps my choice is rooted in my complicated feelings about my father’s legacy. Maybe if I just loosened up and had a drink, I wouldn’t carry that weight. But I simply can’t and won’t.
The reality is that being a parent who doesn’t drink often leads to feelings of isolation. Sometimes, it feels like other parents are hesitant to trust me, or they might avoid inviting me over because they think I’ll be the awkward sober person at the gathering. However, if you have a friend who abstains from alcohol, recognize that it’s a personal choice. They’ve opted for sobriety, and it’s important to respect that. They aren’t odd or untrustworthy, nor do they think they’re superior. They simply choose not to drink, and that’s perfectly okay. Include them in your outings and friendships without making comments or pressuring them to drink. Understand that their reasons are valid, regardless of what they may be.
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