“Wow, what a charming little boy! Are you his caregiver?”
In the first year and a half of my son’s life, I was asked this question multiple times a week. Once he began to speak, confusion was often evident when he referred to me as “Mommy.” The inquiries changed, but the bewilderment remained.
Even now, we still encounter those puzzled looks. I often want to wave my arms and declare, “Yes, I’m a woman of color. Yes, I’m his mother. He was born from me, and if you dare to call me his nanny again, I might just lose my composure.” Yet, I usually choose to nod and walk away, not wanting to entertain their misplaced curiosity.
After four years of this experience, I shouldn’t be surprised, but the frustration lingers. It’s not just my story; it resonates with many mothers of color, especially those with mixed-race children who may not outwardly resemble them.
Recently, a viral video captured an amusing yet telling moment: a little girl barging into her dad’s live interview on the BBC, followed by an infant in a walker. The woman rushing in to retrieve the children was perceived as “the nanny” by many viewers because she was Asian and the interviewer was white. Upon learning that she was the children’s mother and the interviewer’s partner, some attempted to justify their assumptions by highlighting her reaction.
However, this reflects a broader issue. Women of color are often labeled as “the nanny” until they clarify their parental role. When I’m out with my son, I frequently have to assert, “No, he’s my child!”
A quick search on stock photo websites for “mixed race family” reveals that about 75% of the images showcase a family with a father of color and a white mother. According to Essence magazine, Black men are twice as likely to date outside their race compared to Black women. Yet, many of my friends who are women of color are in interracial relationships. It’s baffling that, in 2023, people still assume that a Black woman with a child who resembles their white father must be the caregiver.
It’s disheartening to think that strangers feel entitled to inquire about the parentage of my child. I can’t believe I even need to state that it’s inappropriate, but here we are.
The lack of representation of mothers of color with mixed kids has a significant impact. I’ve had children ask me directly, “Why does your son look white?” I respond patiently, explaining that his father is white and that he has inherited some of his features. It highlights the neglect in teaching kids about diverse family structures.
As my son approaches school age, I can only imagine the questions he will face. I refuse to teach him to merely endure these inquiries; he isn’t obligated to clarify his identity to satisfy others.
Navigating life as a Black mother of a child with fair skin is indeed challenging. People often feel uncomfortable acknowledging that my son may appear white while also resembling his father. They frequently tell me he looks just like me, and while we share similarities, he also mirrors his dad. This is a common reality for many mixed children—they can embody traits from both parents.
Understanding that my experience as a Black mother with a fair-skinned child differs significantly from that of a white mother with mixed kids, regardless of their appearance, is not defensiveness or excessive sensitivity; it’s a reality. A white mother is less likely to be labeled as “the nanny” at first glance or questioned about her child’s appearance in the same way.
I’ve written about this before, as the dismissal of women of color’s feelings in these instances is pervasive. Comments such as “Why don’t you just enjoy your child?” or “People don’t know what they’re saying” miss the crux of the issue. The underlying question remains: why do people feel entitled to ask invasive questions about me and my child? Compliments about my son’s charm are welcome, but inquiries into his racial background or our relationship cross a line that deserves to be addressed.
Discussions about the frustrating experiences of women of color do not render us oversensitive or difficult. We are not obliged to ignore the ignorance and odd curiosity of others.
I’m not the nanny. I owe you no explanations.
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In summary, the biases and assumptions faced by mothers of color with mixed-race children highlight a significant societal issue that needs to be addressed. The tendency for others to label these mothers as nannies or caregivers speaks to a lack of understanding and representation.