In December, I made the decision to discontinue my medication for anxiety and depression. This choice stemmed from a new insurance plan, a change in my healthcare provider, and a misguided belief that I had everything under control. When I initially began taking medication, it was during a tumultuous period in my life. I vividly remember telling my doctor that I felt completely overwhelmed. Anxiety gripped me constantly, I battled persistent sadness, and sleep eluded me. I recognized that I needed assistance.
Had I been in a different situation—perhaps single or just in a relationship—I might have tried to “push through.” However, at that time, I was a mother to a 2-year-old son and a 3-year-old daughter. They required a mother who was fully engaged, not one lost in her own spirals of despair or consumed by irrational fears. They deserved the best version of me, and being unmedicated was simply not enough.
After a year on the medication, my outlook improved significantly. I felt more capable of handling life’s challenges. I believed I had evolved into the mother my children needed, the friend my peers depended on, and the partner my husband wanted, all without the aid of medication. I thought I was ready to navigate life’s complexities independently.
I was mistaken.
For five long months, I strived to be the person my family deserved—the person I aspired to be. I wanted to see life clearly, free from the fog of anxiety and sadness. I enjoyed moments of clarity and minor triumphs, but as the weeks dragged on, I found myself submerged once again in anxiety and depression. It became clear that I could no longer manage without medication.
I began to feel like a failure, as if something was inherently wrong with me. I chastised myself for not trying harder or for not being able to simply “get over it.” I felt weak and hopeless, convinced that I could never be the person my loved ones needed.
Now, after several weeks of resuming my medication, I’ve come to realize that these negative thoughts are completely unfounded. The only “issue” I face is a mental health imbalance. My brain functions differently, resulting in anxiety and depression that I cannot control alone. This isn’t a flaw; it’s just part of who I am. Just as I have brown eyes and curly hair, I also live with anxiety and depression—and that’s perfectly okay.
Unfortunately, many people face stigma for relying on medication. I want to emphasize that being on medication actually enhances my abilities as a parent. It helps stabilize my emotions, allowing me to engage with my children with a clear mind rather than one clouded by insecurity.
I can be fully present for them, interacting, teaching, and loving them without the constant distraction of worry. I don’t snap at them over minor issues because my nerves are frayed. I can take a deep breath, appreciate both the joyful and challenging moments, and truly believe that I am giving my children the best version of myself.
I wouldn’t wish anxiety or depression upon anyone; it’s a daunting and uncomfortable experience. But if you find yourself struggling, seek help. You may encounter judgment or disappointment from others, but their opinions are inconsequential.
What truly matters is that medication for mental health can help you become the person you wish to be. It can restore your sense of wholeness. My medication is a precious gift for both me and my children, and I intend to continue taking it as long as necessary to be the best mother possible.
My kids deserve it. I deserve it. You do too.
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Summary:
Navigating anxiety and depression while parenting can be overwhelming, but medication can be a vital lifeline. The author shares her experience of initially stopping her medication, only to realize that it was essential for her to be the mother her children needed. She emphasizes that mental health challenges are not a personal failure but rather part of who she is. Seeking help and understanding the importance of medication can lead to a more fulfilling and present parenting experience.