I’ve paced the floor, lost my cool, cried rivers, and even felt nauseous. But after a long, soothing shower, a glass of wine, a few gluten-free cake pops, and a little bit of medication, I’m ready to dive into this topic headfirst.
Let’s Get Real
Being a mom? I love it. For about 72.3% of the time, motherhood feels like a rewarding adventure. Sure, I have my moments of yelling. And yes, I sometimes drown my emotions in snacks. A Pop-Tart here and there might be my downfall, but at least I haven’t harmed anyone else in the process—so that’s a win, right?
I’ve also found myself scrutinizing others and occasionally sharing my opinions a bit too freely. And while I take responsibility for guiding these little humans, it’s important to remember that they are individuals with their own thoughts, opinions, and quirks, separate from my chaos.
One of my kids recently served as a bridesmaid at a same-sex wedding. Another proudly wears Bernie Sanders shirts and believes he still has a shot at the presidency. And then there’s the one with the strong political stance who just bought a bumper sticker proclaiming, “You can take my gun when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.” None of these views align with the ideals my partner and I hoped to instill in them.
For those unfamiliar with my journey, we initially thought we were doing a great job raising our first kids, so we brought three more into our family through foster care and adoption. One of them is a notorious biter—think T-Rex level. Another never stops chatting, often asking questions like, “Why is your head so big?” or “Why do you have such an ugly nose?” Trust me, my life is anything but dull.
After dealing with these two, whom we affectionately refer to as the “vandals,” I’ve learned to keep quiet when children tumble into wild animal exhibits at the zoo. I can already predict we’ll be making headlines at least once before they reach adulthood.
I really don’t want to be “that mom,” you know—the one standing nervously next to police officers while they figure out how to prevent her kids from getting electrocuted. I find myself wringing my hands, praying, and wondering, “Where on Earth did they get a hot air balloon from the local fried chicken place?”
I do keep a watchful eye on them.
I guide them.
I pray for them.
I pack their lunches with the crusts cut off, clean their ears, and trim their nails. But they are still a hot mess.
My 14-year-old has an incredible gift for playing the piano by ear, a talent she’s had since she was 2. She can sing beautifully too. We take no credit for her abilities—honestly, they kind of freak us out. We lock our bedroom door at night, half-convinced she might spontaneously combust with frustration if we upset her.
Of course, we hope her talents will lead to a bright future, maybe even helping us out when we’re older. But her successes are hers alone; she’s her own person.
The Weight of Expectations
In this day and age, we often tie our parental worth to our children’s achievements. We point fingers when a kid misbehaves, placing the blame squarely on the mother. “She must have really messed that kid up,” we say.
I can admit it—I’ve probably made mistakes. However, some traits are just part of who they are. On my bookshelves are well-worn books about strong-willed kids, defiance, and learning challenges. My journals are filled with the prayers of a frazzled mom trying to figure it all out. My blog captures our ups and downs: military schools, failed homeschooling attempts, police station visits, and some truly alarming situations.
In my heart, you’ll find the remnants of a woman striving to raise healthy, happy, and decent human beings. Although they are a part of me, they are still distinct individuals.
Yes, my kids may accomplish wonderful things, but they will also stumble. They might say things that offend others or even find themselves in trouble. While I pray it doesn’t happen, I cannot guarantee their perfection.
Just the other day at the store, I saw a young mom struggling with her child who has special needs. The distress on her face was heartbreaking. My daughter, another mom, and I stepped in to help her with her groceries and get her and her son to the car. She was overwhelmed, tears streaming down her face as she sobbed, “I’m not a bad mom. I’m trying my very best. My son is my entire world…”
These kids are undeniably a part of us, but they also stand apart as their own beings. They possess their own talents, shortcomings, and unique paths in life. One may require medication, another might face legal challenges, and yet another could cure cancer or find joy working at a fast-food joint.
Beyond my aspirations and dreams, they are distinct individuals.
I wrote this post for myself and the mom I saw at the store, as a reminder: my kids aren’t flawless, and neither am I.
But I am a good mom.
Summary
Parenting is an intricate balancing act that often leads to feelings of inadequacy, especially when our children exhibit their unique personalities and quirks. While we may strive for perfection and take responsibility for their actions, it’s crucial to recognize that they are distinct individuals with their own paths. Each child has their own set of talents and challenges, and our love for them is unwavering, despite the chaos they may bring into our lives.